Sunday, January 17, 2010

New Magic Item: Scroll of Summoning Aspect of Kurt Russell

These scrolls are similar to protection scroll in that characters of any class are capable of utilizing them. Unlike most scrolls they feature an illustration of a rugged, handsome human male with a beard or stubble and great hair. When read 1d6 rounds later an aspect of Kurt Russel appears. This aspect of Kurt Russel will willingly aid any non-evil user of the scroll as long it does not involve outright villainy and will be present for 24 hours before disappearing back into time and space. Roll on the below table to determine which aspect of Kurt Russell appears; any harm inflicted to an aspect will not affect the real Kurt Russell of our world. All aspects of Kurt Russell have maximum hit dice and a +2 bonus on all saving throw rolls.

1 Dexter Riley (8th-level scientist; 17 intelligence and charisma; 1d6: 1-2 19 intelligence, 3-4 can become invisible at will, 5-6 hill giant strength)
2 Elvis (8th-level bard/monk; 18 charisma; carries 1-3 handguns)
3 Snake Plisskin (8th-level fighting-man/thief; 17 strength, dexterity, constitution and charisma)
4 R.J. McReady (8th level fighting-man & helicopter pilot; 17 strength, wisdom, dexterity, constitution and charisma; carries either a firearm (50%) or a flamethrower (50%))
5 Jack Burton (1st-level fighting-man but believes he is 8th level and actually has the maximum hit points of an 8th-level fighting-man; drops held weapon or pratfalls on any attack roll of 1 or 2 but will kill any supernatural opponents on an attack roll of 20; all allies within view get +1 on all attack rolls and +2 on all saving throws)
6 Captain Ron (8th level thief and sailor; 17 constitution and charisma)
7 Wyatt Earp (8th-level fighting-man; 17 dexterity, constitution and charisma; carries a long-barrel revolver that he can pistol whip with for 1-6 damage)
8 "Jack" O'Neil (8th-level fighting-man; 17 strength, dexterity, constitution and charisma; carries an automatic pistol and a tactical nuke)
9 Todd (8th-level fighting-man; 17 strength, dexterity and constitution; 3 charisma)
10 Actor Kurt Russell (8th-level fighting-man; 17 charisma)


  1. You forgot the original and true Jack O'Neil!

    F8, guns, cigarette lighter, nuke.

  2. Some nights I weep myself to sleep because I can't be in this campaign.

  3. Brilliant. I particularly approve of the Jack Burton incarnation. One wonders if the McReady version shouldn't have a percentage chance per summoning of turning into a shoggoth-like creature.

  4. A lot of fun to read.
    --Makes me want to watch most of those film for the umpteenth time. :)

  5. What about Nada from They Live?

  6. And no Stuntman Mike?
    Although I applaud inclusion of Jack Burton.

    I think this could easily be a d12 table. Or dare I suggest ... a d30? ;)

  7. "Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, 'Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.'"

  8. A: Your Jack Burton rules are priceless.

    B: Expanding it to at least a D10 table leaves room for Stuntman Mike and Dean Profitt (from Overboard).

    C: I am soooo swiping this!

  9. Thanks for the comments and suggestions everyone.

    Myrstyr: Thanks! I can't believe I forgot him.

    Kelvingreen: How about a flamethrower instead?

    Ancientvaults: That's Rowdy Roddy Piper.

    130 & Booberry: Stuntman Mike's kind of a craven villain, I want this to be a beneficial item.

    Booberry: How about Captain Ron the charming conman instead of a carpenter (Dean Profit)?

  10. @Blair, don't substitute, it's gotta go to d12 now baby! :D

  11. I was gonna call for Capt. Ron but you nailed it Blair.

  12. And you know, I knew that, I just didn't realize that these were all roles Kurt Russell played, I thought a majority of them were.

    I'll just be whistling along now....

  13. Ancient Vaults : I was nodding my head when I read your reply too. Weird how Roddy Piper's aspect can be confused with Kurt Russell. Which leaves one to wonder, can we have a scroll of Action Hero? Roddy Piper from They Live. Blaine (Jessie Ventura) from Predator...

    I too wish I were a part of this campaign. Very creative.

  14. What about a scroll full of Jackie Chan goodness?

  15. Awesome spell. I love it. And while I love that you did Jack Burton just right, I mostly love that you included Dexter Riley.

  16. There could be a scroll of Peter Weller. You might get Buckaroo Banzai or *Robocop*!

    "Come quietly or there will be... trouble."


  17. Todd has a 3 Charisma. So funny 'cause it's so true.

    And what, no Gabriel Cash?

  18. Nada from THEY LIVE sure feels like he *could* have been played by KR, though, doesn't he? And though I am generally lukewarm about Tarantino I agree that Stuntman Mike may deserve inclusion as well.

  19. Jungle Boy (1st-level fighting-man)

    Sorry, had to put that one in. =P

  20. Haha, the most popular post on this blog and it's a gag magic item about Kurt Russell!

    Maybe Gabriel Cash and Jungle Boy might bump it up to d12, but no Stuntman Mike. He's a definite villain as opposed to a hero or anti-hero and I'm not even sure how he could be useful to a party of adventurers...unless they killed him and took his stuff (the car).

  21. Can the advanced version summon The Commander from _Sky High,_ or is that too much of a muchness?