Sunday, September 20, 2009

Righting Gan-Ron's Wrongs

The Bold Adventures O' Monster Monagin:
Righting Gan-Ron's Wrongs


The Silver Bronze-Man and his Man made Bride

Courtesy of Planet Algol Campaign participant Peter.

Me an' th' company strode up to the counter in the dirtiest vapour bar in Agog, The Lamia’s Breath. I eyed the crowd balefully. The establishment be a carnival o' the abnormal, full to the brim with all manner o' horrible sights. The thing behind the bar, a freakish excuse for a man, something I’ve heard called a Xorn, recognized me as Monster Monagin, fightin'est man in a company o' real hard fuckers. The three legged and ugly beast sidled it’s way o'er to me and grunted something I couldn’t understand on acount of the confusing manner of it's stony-mouthed speech. I soon deciphered from it's mumblings that the proprietor of the establishment tookst notice of the way I had been shakin' things up in town lately, and had some employ for me an' me men. I knew said proprietor to be of the fairer sex and a human too, and so excused myself from the squadron to speak with her in private.

Well it seemed a damned scallywaggin' fool tookst a liking to some manner of woman and kidnapped her. The blokes name was Gan-Ron The Silver Man, on account of his silver hair and silver magic sword, and the woman was something called a Simfetic, what'ere that be. Well the woman needed rescuin’. Both of them being all out freaks I was against even getting involved, however 200 gold credits worth of somethin' called gammer' oricalcum offered for the safe return of the gal ‘caused me to go colour blind.

“I’ll save the lass” spake I, “and I’ll go one step further in th' gentlemanly direction an' share the bounty wi' me mates.”

Mrs. Lamia's Breath be fully impressed and began t' eye me lustily. I winked at 'er and left to rally me troops. I began givin' orders as to who’d do what. You see I’m not only the bully of this company, but also the Capn'.

“Listen up you dogs, 'ere’s th' plan.” spake I, “We’re gonna save this wee lass on accoun' o' no woman deserves such treatment. Now Dickie Dee I want ye ta use yer bone magic t' gain us best advantage over this Gan-Ron character.”

At this point Rygarr Greenman piped up “Why, I can help too Monster Monagin, let me use some of MY magic!”

This was too much for me t' handle.

“Rygarr th' Freak, you keep your green nose out o' this or I'll bend it right off your face!” I roared, an' shook me gorilla fist in his face.

But after having a chance t' think about it I decided I liked Rygarr’s idee, despite the sub-human brain that it came from. Now all we needed be t' find the silver haired bronze man. The shifty eyed Grub Grizzler spake he could find the fiend, an' he did jus' that, tellin' us soon after that Gan-Ron be holed up in The Palace o' Brass Chambers before leaving us in order to do a spot o' some thievery he had cooked up. So off we sailed.

When we arrived the concierge o' the apartment block be hesitant to admit us, so I convinced him with my usual tact and charm, and also my left and my right. I knocked on Gan-Ron's door and hid. When he answered Dickie Dee cast some sorcerous bone magic on the lad, making the bronze skinned man b'lieve Dickie to be his bestest mate. Me and me sorceror boys entered the room. Except SLAM! The door closed right in my face, nearly busting me schnoz and pushing it onta me lip.

“Well” I thought, wrathfully, “Guess I'll be havin' to instruct that silver man in the ways o' manners and respect. After which I'll tie his neck in a knot.”

After awhile waiting outside I began to wonder if maybe I wouldna get a chance to right Gan-Ron's wrongs. Although weak in constitution an' flabby in limb I knew me magic boys t'be decisive enough to seize an opportunity when it presented itself. I stewed an' stormed in that hallway outside of Gan-Ron's apartment, cursing me missed opportunity at revenge fer me bloodied nose. I spat on the ground, kicked at the floor, an' wrung me hat violently.

After awhile I calmed down and decided to hade back to the room that Dude Earthman had rented. Eventually Dickie Dee the Boneman and Rygarr showed up an' told me of Gan-Ron's plan to go west with a caravan tomorrow. They also tells that Gan-Ron has fallen in love wi' his captive an' be planning on marryin' the lass. Seeing that me boys didn't get the job done, I saw my opportunity for revenge, but I wasn't sure how we'd be rescuing the lass without causing a ruckus. I stewed all night.

That morning Maggot Mort an' Grub tracked the horrible and rude kidnapper Gan-Ron to the caravan 'ere we found iron carriages drawn by lizards as big as rowboats. Into one o' the caravans we saw Gan-Ron drag his prey and love, the Synpfatic woman. Seein' that we've missed our chance to intercept it was decided to buy some time an' set sail with the caravan. The caravan master charged us an exorbitant fee. I was against paying such a large sum but Dickie Dee convinced me to use this time to relax, an' perhaps view it as a vacation in the midst of all this investigatin' we been doin'. I tell ya, sometimes that bone man be the pure voice o' reason.

As we travelled I watched the winds massage the purple grasses of Agog. It reminded me of watching seas ripple about The Black Scream as it ripped it's path to ports all across the seven seas. I got sentimental, and fearing a bout of sorrow an' grief I thought up a plan an' with the captain's spirit in me I put my two go to boys, Dickie Dee and Rygarr, into action. I told them to get their way into that iron cage any way they could an' to come out champs. Slay that awful Gan-Ron and rescue his captive. Now ye might think that be cowardly, to send in those two when obviously I be the fightin'est man, but 'tis like this: you use the right tool for the right job, and them magic throwin' boys of mine happened to be the right tool to use. Ye see this here operation needed discretion, and them boys gots devious discretion in spades.

So we arrives in the town of Small Dust and I jus' know my boys be havin' done the job, so I and the rest o' the crew get a room far on the other side o' town. I sent Grub Grizzler to send word of our location to the boys but he chaffed off on some damn fools errand an' got his throat slit. Serves him right. Eventually the boys they showed up anyways wi' the now liberated lass rolled in brass steamer trunk. In order to congratulate a job well done I propped the trunk up against a wall and bought all the crew many rounds o' drinks, due t' me heart being as big as me muscles.

The next day at about mid-mornin', while tying up some lose knots in Small Dust, Dickie Dee the Boneman piped up “Capn', I hate to put an unpleasant damper on our business, but the subject of our commission is still packed up in a cramped, unventilated brass trunk, and I fear we'll be neglecting the responsibilities of our tutelage if we continue to refrain from supplying her with provender.”


Well, the whole troop o' us hastily rushed to our room. We found that the lass was alright after all. We fed the lass, and e'en managed to get 'er mind a good distance from the terrifying ordeal she had wi' Gan-Ron. So we bought a bunch o' zorses an' rode hard for Agog City and The Lamia's Breath. I managed t' sweet talk our way into town, an' soon me and me company be all payed well, and enjoyin' some fine gin, layin' upon the cushions and congratulatin' each other.

“Well I be guessin' that be the last time Gan-Ron erewalks on the wrong side o' the law” I mused, only regrettin' that I nere got a chance t' bust his nose as payback fer him bustin' mine.


  1. “Golly skip, you're the greatest”

    Maggot Mort wasn't there that session to say anything of the sort. And of course the sentence would be broken up by hacks, coughs and gags.