[Fortress Eibon] Lair of the Pink Ninja

"Priorities are sorely out of order if you hear that Heraphalmos is in danger and continue to waste time fucking around with ninjas."
- Culumbo

By "Crom" of Red Box Vancouver
Featuring:
Bonspiel von Helmut, priest of the dead god Kor.
Brockmeister and Skeyr (or Keith?), itinerant adventurers from the distant land of Bella Coola
Bugosa the Invisible.
Zodar Khan, priest of Orderon.
Stanley Serpenthelm

Summary
Eager to liberate his companions from the clutches of the Shadow Temple Assassins, Zodar Khan organizes a rescue mission.

Lair of the Pink Ninja
Zodar Khan gathers a team of seasoned adventurers to affect the rescue of two of his companions, who were captured by means of sorcery under Fortress Eibon. Ranndy Serpenthelm sends his regrets and a cousin to take his place, while Bonspiel hires a hirsute member of the mercenary guild as added muscle. In the courtyard of the Fortress, the Serpenthelm hires an impoverished entomophage as a torch-bearer. Their numbers thus bolstered, the party descends into the tawdry pink lair of the Shadow Temple Assassins.

Velvet Underground
No sooner does the party descend to the entryway than a ninja fires a crossbow at Bonspiel's mercenary from behind a set of pink iron bars. The fool is quickly feathered with arrows. Zodar Khan is no stranger to ninja tactics and begins pulling down the first of many threadbare velvet curtains that provide concealment for the assassins. Somehow the paragon of Order becomes entangled. The party watches in horror as the helpless cleric is stabbed by a ninja that seems to appear from mid-air.

Bonspiel's mercenary gives chase and is ambushed by a pair of crossbow wielding ninja covering their comrade's escape. He and Stanley Serpenthelm make short work of the duo, while Brockmeister chases down the original sniper and punishes him face-wise with an axe (something of a signature move for Brock).

A Teenaged Captive
After some perfunctory looting and the Warming Healing Glowing Hand of Kor!, the party discovers a pink bathhouse and Skeyr discovers an invisible, submerged ninja. The assassin stabs the Serpenthelm, minding his own business throwing the decapitated heads of the other ninja into the bath. Bonspiel mutters a charm and the teenage assassin freezes in mid-stab, while the other ninja is cut down, probably by Brockmeister. And probably from an axe to the face.

The party quickly bind their captive and decide to high-tail it to Yam for an orderly interrogation, but on the way out they are surprised by a fiendish looking wizard who renders everyone unconscious by means of a spell… everyone, that is, but Bonspiel thanks to his Silver Brooch. The priest manages to overcome his natural cowardice, due mainly to the fact that everyone else is effectively dead, and charges. The wicked creature casts another spell, but it is turned aside by Bonspiel's Sapphire Medalion. All those who mocked him as a dandy surely rue their words after the telling of this tale!

Unfortunately, the pink iron bars prove too strong for the priest and the sorcerer escapes, cackling evilly. Bonspiel comes to his senses, wakes his companions and they quickly escape.

A Surfeit of Ears
The party has many excellent plans for the captive, which all come to naught when they find him dead by his own hand (tongue?) the following morning. The Serpenthelm puts together a team of faux-ninjas for reasons known only to him while Bugosa makes some of the party invisible and Bonspiel discusses legal matters with the city Watch which surely do not concern an upstanding priest of a respectable, albeit lesser known god, and are most likely entirely the fault of that dastard who has been impersonating him.

Several ears are delivered to the party's rooms, but this is apparently of very little concern to anyone. Likewise evidence that Hyrophalmos's life is in danger. The party returns to Fortress Eibon.

Still with the Ninjas
The party briefly discusses other options but decides to push their presumed advantage in the pink area. Judicious use of flaming oil by the highly accurate (and invisible) Skeyr, plus some completely ineffective scouting by two slaves dressed as ninja, and some shameful desecration of their bodies, results in two or three more ninja being cornered and sent to their graves.

Bonspiel and Stanley nearly come to blows over it, but eventually pry a pair of iron doors open, much bruised and exhausted for the effort. On the other side is a strange, pillared hallway with pleasant, cinnamon-scented mist… and two warriors with buckets strapped to their heads, feeling their way toward the party, swinging axes blindly. Bonspiel's charm renders the large, red-skinned, camel-necked one immobile, and Brockmiester's axe renders the small, Dwarfish, withered-armed one brainless.

The party binds their captive and retreats to Yam, where they set about restoring the red-skinned Fighting Man Riki to his former mental state, and Bonspiel quietly distances himself from the group, in order to prevent further legal entanglements.

Total Losses/Loot
A very weak Dwarf with a bucket lashed to his head was put out of his misery. Eight or nine teenage assassins were also bested, depending on who you talk to.

[Fortress Eibon] A Visit From The Man

A party of delvers, led by Bonspiel the Cleric, were holed up in a suite at the adventurers' hostel in the Souk district of the outskirt suburbs of Yam City and were paid a visit by an officer of the Yam Watch.

Bonspiel answered the door and was informed that their had been complaints of invisible activity (disembodied voices...discussing banal matters; phantom footprints accompanied by phantom footsteps; kebab skewers dropping out of thin air; etc.) and that he was delivering an official warning citation.

Bonspiel disavowed and knowledge and therefore responsibility, but the official apologetically informed him that he was consistently associated with these complaints and delivered the citation with the explanation that the Yam Guard, the Yam Watch and the Yam Secret Police take a dim view of invisible hijinks within Yam and it's suburbs.

The officer than explained that he had further matters to discuss with Bonspiel; nervous about the three invisible party members that were behind him in the suite as he talked to the watch officer at the door he asked if they could go somewhere and sit down.

At a table downstairs Bonspiel made a complaint, citing that he had received reports that someone had been impersonating from the Mercenary Brotherhood. The officer reassured Bonspiel that the mercenaries had already spoken to them, outraged that someone would pretend to be their client, and took Bonspiels statement with further assurances that the transgressor would be sternly punished if he fell into the hands of the authorities.

Than the officer informed Bonspiel that he had further good news in that regard, and proceeded to fingerprint Bonspiel before making him sit still for one turn in order to take a colour-tinted heliograph of the Cleric. The officer explained that Mustafa of the Mercenary Brotherhood had graciously paid the fees for Bonspiel's identification papers, in order to stymie the imposter.

Bonspiel asked if these identity papers would finally allow him to enter Yam City itself, where his compatriot the child sorceress Floria "the Viperhearted" owned a condominium; but the officer regretfully informed him no while providing a perfumed moistened silk towelette for Bonspiel to clean the ink off his fingertips.

Later that day a child slave courier delivered Bonspiel's identification papers, complete with old-tymey colour-tinted picture of his mug and fingerprints.

[Fortress Eibon] Worst Adventure Ever!

"While it could be argued that Zodar's following (SaSS) expedition was a worse adventure than this, as it cost the party something close to 20,000gp, several magical items, and, with that second ambush, possibly the lives and/or sanities of a handsome dwarf and an experienced fighting-man, it should also be noted that before being ambushed the first time, they managed to level up a total of three characters. When compared to the total losses/loot, one must concede that this was truly the worst adventure ever.

Featuring:
Belbarrick and Zodar Khan, clerics of Orderon.
Kalikarr, cleric of the Church of Law.
Ranndy Serpenthelm.
Mern the Blue.
Murg Serpenthelm the slaver.

Summary
Balbarrick and Zodar Khan enlist Mern the Blue and somebody who claims to be Bonspiel but is probably Ranndy Serpenthelm, but Balbarrick is destroyed by explosive mushrooms, and Mern is slaughtered by evil cultists. When Zodar and Ranndy replace Belbarrick with another Lawful cleric and Mern with another Serpenthelm, a second foray into Fortress Eibon goes even worse and a small army of slaves are immolated. Zodar and Ranndy leave, dejected.

Two Worlds Collided and They Could Never, Never Tear Us Apart
Balbarrick and Zodar Khan are a couple of lawful clerics, new in town and eager to brave the terrible chaotic blight that is Fortress Eibon. Floria the Viperhearted sends them to some of her fellow adventurers, and unfortunately for them they run into crafty ol' Ranndy Serpenthelm who seems to be masquerading as a cleric named Bonspiel. Since he's not even a lawful cleric, Balbarrick and Zodar take no notice. This "Bonspiel" is also accompanied by Mern the Blue, a wizard of some repute.

Trying to Find Heramphalmos
Ranndy has nothing but disdain for the mercenaries, who hold him in equal if not more contempt. A young kid and an older stalwart determined to look out for him decide to accompany the party. He also buys a slave and sends Balbarrick to look for Heramphalmos. The doughty cleric follows a convoluted trail that leads to Jezehell, his wife, who is a whore at a place called Bitches with Whips, on Whip Street. Balbarrick gets nothing he can use from her, so Mern the blue goes down to harrass her. He tries casting Charm on her, but the other whores realize and forcibly detain her, while threatening Mern as well. He leaves frustrated.

Into the Fortress
The four heroes go to the Locust Courtyard and check out the lone door. Some men trying to catch locusts there tell them it's the door to the thieves' clubhouse. The party enters, and finds a room full of mushrooms. Balbarrick and one of the slaves touch a mushroom and are immediately immolated in a flash of light. Ranndy Serpenthelm uses his ring of telekinesis to move Balbarrick's body all over the room and explode all the other mushrooms. A little piece of Zodar Khan's faith in the goodness of law and order dies.

All That for Nuthin, Damn
Below the thieves' clubhouse, they find some caverns and a chaotic cult. Ranndy asks for the priest, and he shows up. Unable to get free stuff reach a compromise, the party attacks. Mern and the young mercenary are killed by the cult's fighters, but their reinforcements are blocked by Zodar Khan's flaming oil. However, when things seem to be going badly for them, Zodar and Ranndy look at each other and, in an instant, reach a decision. They flee for their lives, leaving the older mercenary to fend for himself. When he decides not to follow them, Zodar blocks their exit with flaming oil, and they return to the camps outside Yam.

Slave Drivers
Instead of more mercenaries, Ranndy decides to buy slaves, and recruits yet another of his many cousins. Zodar Khan recruits yet another foolhardy cleric of law, Kalikarr, and the lot of them return to Fortress Eibon. They decide to go up through the killing floor in the main entrance, but as soon as they send two slaves up there, they cut the rope and flee! Ranndy uses his ring of telekinesis to drag one of them back, and then punishes the other slaves for his betrayal.

Finally, Some Action!
The party goes up into one of the towers, but sadly runs into some sort of dragon-like spider creature, which breathes fire at them, immolating all their slaves at once. Ranndy is paralysed, but uses his ring of telekinesis to float away from the fight while Zodar Khan watches his back. The rest of the party is killed.

Accidental XP and a Final Note
On the way out, the escaped slave ambushes the duo and is killed."

By Johnstone of Red Box Vancouver

The Tarn Travellers Aid Society

Utilizing giant birds called Tarns, which are though to be a smaller species of Roc or a variety of Giant Eagle, the Tarn TravellerzAid Society provides passage for adventurers between major cities. Currently the Society provides regular flights between Threshold, Restenford, Ormok and Yam; they are able for charter flights from other milieus and are attempting to obtain permission to operate in the City State of the Invincible Warlord.

The Society is quite old, and tales speak of them transporting heroes between Blackmoor and Greyhawk in the earliest ages. It is funded by a secretive consortium of private interests, such as merchants, temples, sages and aristocrats, that is known as the Flailsnails Society, that operates in order to facilitate delving in regions where it is considered desirable for adventurers to operate. As such it provides its services for free, but it must be noted that, for reasons of minimizing the risks of their operation, do not offer any flights except between the cities they service, and expressly do not offer transit to locations in the wilderness, adventuring sites, military targets, and the like.

It is whispered that otherworldly godlike beings are behind the Flailsnails Society, and that many of the improbable coincidences and deux ex machina that occur to adventurers are engineered by the Society.

[Fortress Eibon] Yes my friend? I am Mustafa!

As you see Mustafa is tall like a mountain with arms as massive as a fat woman's thighs. You can tell how mighty Mustafa is by his massive gut...watch me shake it!

Mustafa wields a great shamshir as he is very strong yet Mustafa is graceful too. I wear a shirt of mail as plate armor is too restrictive as it slows one down.

My other brother mercenaries were angry with conniving adventurers and their dangerous delves into Fortress Eibon and sought easy work guarding fat merchants. Not Mustafa, I am brave and mighty, yet not foolhardy as I have a lovely plump wife and happy children.

So Mustafa stood alone in the mercenary square, shirtless to show off my virility with my big arms and great hairy belly. Some adventurers came and sought Mustafa's shamshir for their delve and after they found that elderly idiot Heramphalmos we sought out Fortress Eibon.

There were four adventurers. A handsome warrior with a voice like music named Ballard who Mustafa had heard many good things about. There was also an ill-favored Sorcerer name Bugoso who spoke with a rasping croak and seems unsavory and unclean. There was a fighting-man named Tangroth the Tepid who seemed simple. And another swordsman named Mezinkine.

Ballard had two magic swords, one of the the legendary serpent-thing bane named "Scalesplitter." He is open handed and gave his lesser magic sword to Tangroth.

We ventured into the Fortress and found what looked like the remains of a tavern. There was an attached inn and the delvers searched the rooms.

In one room they found several delicate butterflies of blue, green and purple glass. One of the delvers tried to grab them and they started flying. A fool tried to knock one out of the air with a spear shaft and it exploded, making others explode. Also the bones of some men attacked us.

In the ruins of the larder several bottles of valuable spiced brandy were found. One of the fools of an adventurer drank one and was woozy from the narcotic spices in the liquor!

While searching through rubbish Ballard found a grub burrowing in his arm; the creepy sorcerer Bugoso used a charm to render them both asleep and the foul worm was slain.

We searched a stable and found a huge pile of bloody horse bones with a severed arm and the body of a brother mercenary with a crushed head lying on top. We left quickly.

There was a well and the adventurers sought to explore it, but the fools did not bring sufficient rope! Fortunately Mustafa has a long, strong silk sash and he lowered them down into wet caves. They said they found gold and silver coins, a battered broken copper statue of a satyr that the sought to bring up, but it was far too heavy. I know not why but fool adventurers scoff at copper coins yet drool over heavy, old copper statues.

They said that they found many huge toads and fled the caves. Mustafa is mighty and was easily able to hold his sash while they climbed up.

We explored a tower and found a mural of gladiators as well as many coins and a secret room. We heard hissing and smelled a foul stench so we used the secret room, which had two entrances, to avoid these unknown reeking hissers.

After we exited the tower Ballard sneaked back in and returned immediately; he said that he saw scaly things that used illusion to look like walls!

Later we explored another part of the tower where there was a huge pile of man-bones, coins and stairs leading up the tower. But a huge gray lizard ran on the wall like a gecko and grabbed Ballard's handsome head in it's huge jaws. Another one grabbed Tangroth the Tepid while a third grabbed Mizenkine by a leg, pulled it off and ran away with the bloody limb.

Seeing that Mizenkine was dead and the two other fighting-men were being eaten by huge geckos the cowardly sorcerer Bugoso fled!

Heramphalmos beat the lizards with his broom while I cut them to pieces with my mighty shamshir.

We tended to the two unconscious warriors; Tangroth recovered his sense, albeit in a feeble state, so we left him to catch up while Mustafa carried Ballard back to the outskirts of Yam. Bugoso was shocked to see us, the cur!

A week later the two injured ones recovered and the adventurers brought another sword into their fold; I remember not his name but he did survive.

We found a fighting pit littered with the debris of gladiatorial games; we ascended a stair where we found of room with many heaps of tentacled jellies that terrified the party. We also found the ruins of decadent luxurious lounges.

In the fighting pit there were three doors. From two was heard the sounds of an unceasing battle; behind the other was stairs descending to a gaol with many cells full of the bones of unfortunate souls. There was also an exit full of a putrescent green mist from which was also heard the sounds of battle.

Coins and a magic shield were found in the cells before the fighting-man whose name escapes Mustafa was struck down by spinning discs fired from strange mushrooms; the party fled but went back for their struck down companion who was yet still breathing and we returned to the outskirts of Yam.

Although Ballard is a gentleman, the others conspired to short the idiot Heramphalmos of his fair share of treasure as the old fool cannot count higher than ten. Such behavior is talked about, you can be sure of that my friend!

A week later another group of adventurers solicited Mustafa. A short warrior name Griswold; a shifty Cleric named Bonspiel and his henchman, a Thief that also dabbled in sorcery who was named Kronen; a very short man with a beard named Dreg; and another Thief named Carter.

Dreg and Carter bought several kebabs of heavily garliced and curried camel meat and we ventured to the Fortress; vultures and jackals were following us and I told the delvers to not pass out drunk in the scrub or such beasts would eat their faces!

We ventured down the stairs of the southwest tower and found a catacombs full of neatly swept broken bones and a pair of luxurious black silk pantaloons with gold trim. They offered them to me, but even such fine baggy pantaloons were far too small for Mustafa the Mountain!

A room with skull pillars and a pit was found. It looked as if heavy furniture had been pushed into the pit, scraped the stone floor. Bonspiel laughed and said that obviously other adventurers had been here before.

There was also a branching tunnel only five feet wide and tall; we had to enter it single file and us tall ones had too crouch. As it was far too cramped to use my shamshir Mustafa took his great knife and held it between his teeth as he crawled through the passages.

We found a dead end, but not before Bonspiel was shot by a poisoned dart! Fortunately the venom was weak and only made him pass wind of an incredibly foul nature. After Griswold spotted some watery feces on the floor Bonspiel admitted that when he passed the wind he also passed liquid night soil and it was dripping down his leg.

He took off his pant, used a flask of holy water and a waterskin to clean himself, and than put on the fancy pantaloons that we found earlier.

The pantaloons began writhing and Bonspiel started screaming that they were twisting his testicles off! Fortunately the pantaloons were cut into ribbons before the Cleric was made into a Eunuch!

Further down the tunnels Griswold was caught by spores ejected by mushrooms and started coughing a choking uncontrollably; he recovered and oil was used to burn the mushrooms.

We found cells full of bones; in one we found silver and in another there was several round boulders the size of heads and the glint of coins.

Griswold investigated and the boulders revealed fanged jaws and began rolling at him! He retreated to the cramped tunnel and used his shield to block the entrance. It sounded like giant hail as the toothy rocks bounced off his shield, but one got past and bit his elbow while another rolled under him and bit his rump!

I cut that one in half with my great knife and a crowded battle with the rolling hungry stones began. I smashed more with my knife hilt and we kept shouting at Carter the Thief that if he shot his bow he would strike one of us instead in these tight quarters.

The rocks were defeated; they had bloody red insides and Dreg took them, claiming that they should be good to eat. Mustafa is dubious of eating such unnatural things; I will stick to goat and camel thank you.

We found a stair and descended further into damp, slimy caverns where we stumbled across a pack of squat, man-like toad things. They began croaking and one spoke like a man.

It turned out that Griswold was able to parley with them and they asked us to slay a band of shaggy men that had been plaguing them. Griswold asked if any of them would aid us in this task and their spokestoad, who was named Bogodugog, agreed to guide us.

As the toad-thing led us through the tunnels we were surprised by a slithering babbling reptile that resembled a King-Tyrant Lizard, if it was only slightly of more stature than I Mustafa. It had several Lizard Man followers and it looked like a battle was imminent but Bogogadugog was able to convince them to leave us be and let us pass in his croaking, babbling tongue.

Bogogadugog led us to a spot just before the entrance to the shaggy men's lair. Dreg and Kronen advanced with the intention of ambushing them with flasks of flaming oil, but they had been anticipating us and were attacked by two greasy men with filthy long hair and beards.

They were clad in tattered leathers and had crude morningstars. One of them struck Kronen's arm off with a mighty blow and the Thief-Dabbler fell to the ground where the flask of flaming oil shattered on his face and set his head afire.

There was a might battle! Mustafa disemboweled one with my great knife and had a hearty laugh at the cur's death!

I should have not laughed at such, as I was struck in the gut by one of the spiked clubs and was sorely wounded!

We pulled back where we could attack from both flanks. Blood was gushing from the grievous wound in my belly but we continued to cut down these filthy jackals. I grabbed one by the eyes and with a mighty stroke of my knife cut off his head and threw it at his brothers!

Soon we had slain all of them, with even the toad-thing aiding in the battle. We found their coins and a foul larder of rotting corpses. We returned to the outskirts of Yam with our bounty and Mustafa returned to his plump wife and his beloved dear babies to recover from the deep wound in my belly.

It's Culumbo...

...Mern and I went back into Eibon with Ballard and some more men.

Floria's divinations show a cache of gold just below the main courtyard, so rather than blindly roaming around the halls getting lost and trying to find our way I decided that we'd try to smash directly through the floor bypassing whatever ghosts and coopers and giant dogs were waiting around for us to come by.

It was a bad plan and it went badly. More undead horses attacked while we were digging, they must have come from the adjacent stables and they killed a couple of the men. Digging through the floor is too slow and attracts too much attention. I guess we'll have to go back to prowling the halls for gold instead of mining for it.

It's getting harder and harder to find men to accompany us into the fortress. The surviving mercenaries are upset by how things went today. I dont think the cleric who lost his arm will be coming back either.

…

I don't know how he did it but Ballard convinced the mercenaries to come back with us. Another professional came with us too. I don't believe his reasons for coming to Eibon are good, but whose are? He seems like he can hold his own in a dungeon which is nice since I've been surrounded by amateurs and sorcerers since Merrigold was lost.

We were able to actually make our way pretty efficiently, coordinating ourselves and cutting down some spider creatures and coopers without any injury or loss of life to speak of.

Everything went to shit when we found the impaled man. He had already been run through and half a dozen swords were stuck in him. The creature (I do not like to call it a man) should have been easily dispatched but it was unfazed when we struck and our weapons became stuck in its flesh. The Serpenthelm figured out that the weapons in it seem to empower it and we pulled them out, felling it but not before it struck Mern down. The old man was in rough shape but we were able to get him out of the fortress and heal his internal injuries.

I don't know or understand the details of Mern's connection to myself but I do not think it can be mere luck that such a feeble man is struck down so often and always recovers. It demonstrates a resilience which he does not otherwise appear to posess.

While we waited for Mern to recover I sought out Heraphalmos. The poor man is still searching for his prodigal wife. I fear we do him a great disservice every time we bring him into Eibon as the coins which he inevitably squanders cannot be worth his risk of life and limb. On the other hand, I'm able to watch out for him in the fortress and the streets and markets outside Yam are not especially safe. So I tell myself though I cannot deny that his presence is a comfort to me when we face with the horrors of Eibon.

We have made plans to reenter the fortress in a few days time and Heraphalmos has agreed to accompany us.

…

I saw a lady
and I saw myself
everything hurt so bad for so long
it was so bad forever
I can't go back
why would anyone go in there?
we're going to see the priests tomorrow, but i dont think i'm hurt. Maybe one of the others is. probably Mern. I hope Sweeper is okay.
I think the serpenthelm is helpful?
I trust him and Mern and Ballard and Sweeper
but I dont ever want to go back into Eibon

Hello, I'm Heraphalmos...

"...I clean up after the mercenaries and eat their scraps. I made sandals out of a torn wineskin that they threw away. The first time I wore them I got drunk! But now I have these nice velvet shoes with curly toes. They were expensive, more than ten gold pieces! But now I'm rich and can afford nice things. The Corsairs gave me many coins, more than ten silver coins and more than ten electrum coins. I get to eat tonight!

I was sweeping up the dung and garbage in the mercenary bazaar when I saw them approaching. There was a pretty little girl, an old man with one eye and his arm in a sling, the loud one, a really handsome man and a little man-child who had weapons and armor and everything! But what caught my eye as I was sweeping was how the mercenaries all were grumbling and looking uncomfortable as they left the bazaar. They never all leave the bazaar, that's where they play dice and gossip and drink wine. Sometimes they forget some wine and I get to get drunk. That was before I was rich, now I can get drunk and eat real food every day!

The Corsairs approached me and asked why the mercenaries were leaving, the one that talked to me was the really handsome one, he has a nice voice! I listen to the mercenaries as they gossip so I knew that they were mad that so many had died before with the Corsairs and that they also didn't like the loud one. The little girl looked mean when she heard that and they left.

They came back later and the loud one was wearing a different helmet and cloak. He was pretending that he was someone else. I like to have fun! The handsome one, his name is Ballard, that's a nice name, he asked me to come with them to pick up treasure and carry it. They said I didn't have to fight or open things and would get some of the treasure. That's why I'm rich and now and not dead!

We up to that scary fortress and I got to climb a rope onto a big grill where I climbed down a ladder. There were dead hyena men and dead giant frogs and dead giant lizards and dead people. It smelled bad. They dead people and monsters looked like scraps. I think something had been eating them!

I also saw a door that was black fog and a trap door and a long hallway that we walked down. We found some rooms and some of them got scared, but especially the old man with one eye. We found a statue with a big rag over it. The brave little man-boy lifted off the rag with a spear and it was a wood statue of a beggar. I think the man-boy is so brave because he is crazy because he started talked to the statue. I didn't see or hear the statue talking, and nobody else did. Maybe the little man was playing a game like how the loud one was pretending to be someone else? I caught the loud one because he used his invisible magic one time so I told him. I won that game!

The little man said that the statue told him that they needed to get his remains from ten feet below the ground beneath them. They argued but the little man really wanted to win his game and he went down some stairs where there was a bunch of skinny scary looking people. They were as skinny as I was but their eyes were white and they had long stringy strands of hair. Did you know that I am bald? That's why I made a hat out of rags. But also because the sun would hurt it in summer and winter is cold.

They called them Coopers. They were hissing and grunting and one of the sorcerers used magic and put them all to sleep. The little man-child is nice. He said that we should let them live, but the loud one stayed behind. I think he might have killed them because the mercenaries say that he is not a nice man.

We found a sunny room with stairs down. The little man is brave and went down with the handsome man named Ballard. They are both nice so I went down with them. It was underground and there were lots of bones. More than ten!

The little man found a big hole. It was more than ten feet deep and there were two gargoyle statues with big axes and a big stone skull with dried blood on it. Most of them were scared and stayed upstairs.

The little man made us break all of the bones. There were more than ten and it took us a long time. I used my broom to clean up the mess. My arms are too skinny for me to break bones. Than the loud one pushed the gargoyle statues down the hole. That was nice of him, they were scary.

They tied the little man to a rope and put him down the hole. It was deep. He said he was picking up coins and started talking to a lady that I could not see. I wasn't in the hole. I'm not that brave!

The little man was pulled up the rope. He was muttering "too deep, too deep!" and looked scared. I noticed that because he never looks scared even when the others were scared. The old one is scared a lot of the time.

We heard a lady in the hole. She was asking for help and the loud one pushed the big stone skull down the hole and we went back to town.

We came back later. We went in a big court-yard. The walls were high, over ten-feet tall! There was a bridge build across the top of it. It looked like the place I grew up that was built under a bridge.

They were talking about a big diamond that one of them had heard about. It was worth over ten gold pieces and the angry little girl said that she found it with her witchcraft and pointed up at a corner of the walls. It was high-up.

The loud one is strong. He threw a grappling hook all the way up to the bridge!

The handsome man, his name is Ballard, he is brave and he climbed up the rope and tied another rope to the big stone teeth at the top of a wall. We climbed up and than the loud one pulled the old man up the rope. The old man can't climb, one of his arms doesn't work.

We were on a roof-top, we were really high up, but there were walls that were even taller! There were a bunch of doors and two little buildings. The little man looked and said there was more Coopers in one and the old one got scared.

The little man opened a door on the other building but someone was inside and asked him to close it. The little man is nice and he shut the door.

The loud one and the little one opened another door and went in. They were inside and than a big wall of magic darkness appeared and all of them were inside it except for Ballard. He was watching out for the Coopers.

The old man came out and he was extra-scared. The little man came out and he was cut up really bad and was bleeding a lot. Than the little mean girl came out.

The little man is brave. He was really hurt but he went back and looked for his friend the loud one. So did the old man, he was braver than he usually is. They didn't find him and were sad. The mean little girl got angry and started talking about magic items and we went back to town. That's when they gave me all this money and now I'm rich!

Tales Told in the Itinerant camp outside the city of Yam:

From a pair of burly, hairry mercenaries in plate mail:

"The Loud One wasn't with them so we accepted a commission, but only after intense negotiation. The Mean Witch Girl wanted us to agree to open door and chests and otherwise acts as innocent sheep driven through a field to be bitten by the poisonous serpents in lieu of the Shepard. She got angry when informed that we did nothing of the sort and informed her of the brotherhood's code regarding such menial tasks. That nonsense was soundly rejected, but they also tried telling us that we were bound to attack and fight to the death regardless of the foe! She informed us that if we fled that our payment was default, a simple enough accommodation that appeased her somewhat. She looks like a pretty little girl, but do not be fooled as she has the heart of a viper my friend!

We ascended a rope to the killing floor above the western gate and the little brave man-child descended one of many iron ladders. He yelled about huge frogs and went silent, our brothers descended and there were sounds of wet flappings, snarls, clashing steel, and rending flesh.

Two shaggy grinning hyena men with notched swords and axes held in their jaws climbed the ladders and the Little Mean Girl and the Frightened Old One-Eyed Man used their sorcery to render them asleep. One fell back down a ladder shaft and the warrior with the babbling name jumped down after it, I saw his knee hit the ladder and his head hit the shaft edge as he went down and I heard a great knocking and clattering.

Three of our brothers were slain the battle, we found the remains of several frogs the size of large dogs and more hyena men. There was also an archway filled with opaque black mist, a long corridor, and a trapdoor leading down.

At that point we were ready to return to Yam, but two huge gecko like lizards dropped from the ceiling and one of them engulfed the babbling one in its jaws and started eating him; chaos ensued as they ran along the ceiling, the other one snapping at us, before we slew them, but the one with the babbling name was well chewed and dead. We made it back here without any more incidents.

Days later we heard that the Loud One had returned. We had returned with three of our fraternity dead and only some silver to show for it; it was decided that our fraternity would not work for these delvers until they return from some runs bearing worthy treasure and without any dead, missing their face, or otherwise maimed or disabled.

When we saw their party approaching the mercenary bazaar, we all had other business to attend to and made our leave. I did hear that they hired the elderly idiot that cleans up after us and eats our scraps, the one with sandals made from wineskins and the broom made out of twigs, to serve them as some sort of lackey and he has been seen with many silver and electrum coins!"

Delver's Account of Fortress Eibon

From: 76: Enter the Eibon Fortress 

Featuring:

Floria, child sorceress.
Columbo the bravest halfling ever.
Yodl Serpenthelm, a hapless dwarf servitor of the Serpenthelm clan.
Sigmund Serpenthelm, justicar of Lawdor.
Etherial, cleric of Christ.
Mern the Blue, an unlucky wizard, inadequately fleet of foot.
Gagner, a mercenary warrior of lusty ways but low intelligence.

Summary:

Our brave adventuring party assembles itself outside the city of Yam and proceeds to mount two expeditions into the Eibon Fortress. Numerous warriors are killed, a wizard and a halfling are (further) mutilated by insanely dangerous wolves and a bag of gold with a mouth, respectively, a psychic slug is sent to hell, and some drugs and coins are liberated. In the end, even with the discovery of a magical mace, our heroes remain unsatisfied with the risk-to-reward ratio, and are desirous of finding more and better treasure.

I. Yam is for little girls, OR, Fresh Meat!

Mern and Columbo arrive in Yam, a wonderful town that they can't get into so they stay outside in a large camp with all the other low-lifes. There they run into Floria, who Columbo knows from the old days back in Threshold. Mern gets a little jealous of the younger, prettier, more powerful mage, but keeps this to himself. Floria manages to sneak into the town of Yam by pretending she was visiting her family - one of the few benefits of being a 14 year old girl. Once inside she purchases a 1 bedroom with a den in town - she tells us it has a great view, but everyone with an apartment says that, don't they?
Later, Mern notices his old friend Gagner, who he spent time in prison together (apparently magic-users spend a lot of time in prison in the Black Peaks). Gagner is with his friend Etherial and they're invited along on the planned search of the Eibon Fortress. Moments later, Yodl Serpenthelm is seen. He is a servant of the Serpenthelms and was apparently visiting Yam at the time. He demands 300 gp to join the Corsairs, and further demands that the new recruits get that money as well. Columbo-of-the-deep-pockets pays this out. Some additional muscle is hired as well: four toughs-for-hire of the standard sort (ie: Easterners): Shalid, Jong, Marketh and Zuzalalebarsomething-or-other. Mern immediately grabs Zula as his personal hireling (not that it'll do Mern any good) and gives him platemail (that didn't help Zula either).

II. The Fort

After equipping themselves, the Corsairs head to the Eibon Fortress, a massive structure consisting of 210' high, 130' thick walls coated with a "no wall climbing" veneer (quite chic). Apparently the fort was once the abode of a dynasty of evil sorcerors, who 100 years ago were overwhelmed by their evil magical ways, as well as a horde of demons, undead and servitors. The fortress was then abandoned and the dynasty's name was erased from history. Only recently has the fortress attracted scum adventurers seeking loot XP whatever it is they seek.
Four entrances are obvious on the fortress - two massive 20' tall, 30' wide gatehouse doors on the western and eastern wall, as well as two smaller sally ports.
After spending several hours looking for secret doors on the outside, of which none were found, the group decided to enter through the large western gate.

III. Murder: The perfect prefix for murderholes AND murderhobos!

Passing through the gate, the Corsairs proceeded along a 130' tunnel. On the ceiling, over 20' above us, could be seen a wonderful example of late 14th century pre-Renaissance murderholes. A 5' panel was missing from the floor of the murderholes and it was decided that someone should climb up and see where it lead. Columbo suicidally volunteered himself, to the great relief of everyone else.
Columbo gingerly threw a rock attached to a rope up into the hole, which happily fell back down through another hole, creating the perfect rope climb. Columbo then proceeded to climb up the rope.

IV. Rope Trick

Columbo's eyes, aided by his glowing sword, made out a series of regular indentations in the walls which appeared to be blackened by old fires, suggesting they were used to heat sand in the fortress's defense: wow the DM is such a show-off truly a well built castle. Columbo could also make out four shafts that led down off the murderhole. Looking down the shafts, Columbo saw that they led into a room 10' below him.
Meanwhile the rest of the Corsairs took a peek into the courtyard at the end of the tunnel, where they could see a large, 30' tall, 20' wide double gate that was closed. Gaps could also be seen that lead into darkness (alas, Mern's near-constant fear meant that he doesn't recall where these gaps were - in the wall, in the gate, in the floor, in his head…?)
Quickly deciding that the courtyard was scary, the Corsairs all climbed the rope to head onto the murderhole grate. Columbo then proceeded down one of the shafts.

V. Shafted

Columbo's sharp eyes make out a room filled with rotting sacks. He discerned that the room was most likely an old lounge, perhaps used by the guards while they waited to man the murderholes. He also spied a set of stairs leading down into darkness. The rest of the Corsairs foolishly decided to come into the room with him. While Columbo and Mern debate the finer points of dungeoneering ("we should search this room for treasure and secret doors now!" "No, search later dummy!"), brave, brave Yodl went towards the stairs….
And it was sometime around this point that all hell broke lose…
Yodl said something along the lines of, "squirk!", as three snow white mastiff-like-hell-demon dogs gutted and half-decapitated him as they proceeded to run up the stairs!
A furious melee ensues! Columbo chops one dog and gets hit himself. Gagner is struck but carries on in spite of his wounds and almost certain death. Floria, sensing disaster, casts sleep, but it fails to affect the dogs. Mern, shouting "RUN AWAY" , resulting in general dissent, throws a dagger rather than wisely heading up the ladder. He hits a dog and probably just made it a little annoyed.
The following round our loyal hirelings strike twice! Mern, hoping for a little luck, tries his own sleep, which also fails on the dogs (M-U mental note: there is NO saving throws for sleep. Stupid Mern).
The dogs then proceed to kill Shalid. Floria makes herself scarce by turning invisible. Mern is next in their sights, and the dogs manage to bite Mern in the throat, causing him to fall over, throat crushed, unable to breathe.
Columbo is struck again in the following round, and the party fails to accomplish much on their own, but Floria, in her great kindness, drags Mern to a semblance of safety and puts pressure on his wound so he doesn't die.
The next round sees Columbo and Etherial working together and slaying one of the dogs, but Columbo is again hit.
Columbo follows up by finishing off another dog that had been on the receiving end of the hirelings. The rest of the party misses, but the final dog bites deep into Gagner's throat, killing him while simultaneously bursting an artery, which commences to spray the entire room and its inhabitants with blood, including Floria, whose invisibility temporarily cuts out with each new bloodspray!
It is at this point that Mern christians this room, "Gagner's Bloody End".
The last living dog then tops itself by killing Zulu and being utterly missed by the remaining survivors, and following that up by killing Jong with another artery bite. Columbo and Etherial manage to hit it, but it remains standing.
These attacks appears to make the beast remember Mern, who is still barely alive on the ground, his mangled throat being held together with pressure from Floria's hands. Believing this was not enough of a hint to stay out of the fortress, the demon-beast runs up to Mern (getting a hit from behind from Columbo in the process) and bites Mern. IN. THE. HEAD. Mern thus loses his eye. Floria, with the beast literally eye to eye, decides to expend a charge from her lightning wand to finish off the creature, which she does.
Mern is then tended to by the party. He discovers he also cannot move his arm, likely as a result of nerve damage from the throat bite he took. The remaining Corsairs then head back to the camp outside of Yam.

VI. Sigmund - So NOW you show up…

Once back in camp, the Corsairs rest up from the massacre. Sigmund arrives at this time and his presence has never been more gladly noted. Mern manages to recover to a one eyed, one armed flightless blue pathetic person. The Corsairs then proceed to hire five henchmen and Mern pays to clad them with platemail, to the consternation of the other Corsairs who prefer to leave their mercenaries as easy to kill as possible.

VII. Moths and mercenaries

Heading back to the fortress, the party passes again through the murder hole into the room splattered with Gagner blood and down the stairs where the demon-dogs came from. There they find the dog lair, which contained 2500 sp, a measly sum compared to the cost of recovering it.
Passing through the passageway, they come into a room containing cushions and a lot of dust, as well as 4 massive hawk moths which were very interested in Columbo's glowing sword and Mern's glowing staff. Etherial, placing curiosity before safety, proceeded to light a torch. The moths immediately drew near the torch, became ignited by the flames, AND KEPT FLYING AROUND! Not only that, they started dripping flame! At Mern's exclaimed, "Run away!", everybody except Columbo and Sigmund ran out of the room. Columbo and Sigmund, however, are able to quickly vanquish the moths.
In the adjoining room could be found a bunch of shelves and a rusted iron chest. Sigmund, carefully checking the chest, and kindly telling the magic-users to leave the room (see last adventure for the why of this) asks one of the mercenaries to open it. The mercenary proceeds to explain the finer points of retainership, which is lost on Sigmund, who demands the mercenary open the chest if he wants to see the following morning. The mercenary gave the chest a kick, which proves the chest to be open and trapless. Inside the chest is found many bricks of opium or hashish, which the hireling kindly identified for us. Sigmund places this in his bag.

VIII. You flea-bitten-good-for-nuthin so-and-so's

Returning to the room of Gagner blood, the Corsairs proceed down a hallway, which leads through several archways and empty rooms until a room filled with fleas is found - 10, dog sized fleas, to be exact. Thankfully, Floria casts a quick sleep which puts them all out, and the party proceeds to kill them all. Alas, the room they guarded was empty.

IX. Grabby grabby grabby!

Suddenly, the room is filled with a "lot" of pale, naked humanoid creatures, with bulging white eyes and stringy hair (who cloned Alice Cooper?). Mern yelled "Run away!" but no one paid him any heed as always.
These Cooper-alikes proceed to get slaughted quite handidly by the Corsairs, but not before two manage to bypass the frontline fighters and grab both of Mern's arms, and Etherial soon suffers the same fate! Thankfully, Floria's quick wits are matched by her quick spell, haste, which she casts upon the entire party. Columbo, Sigmund and various and sundry henchmen are thusly able to kill all the grabby little bastards before they can drag anyone off.

X. "Ándele! Ándele! Arriba! Arriba!"

Making full use of their new-found haste, the party quickly passes into the room the Coopers came from, a sour-smelling room filled with feces and gnawed bones. There they find a bunch of giant flea eggs. Sigmund wisely kills them all before they can suck our faces off.
The party rapidly proceeded up a set of stairs, which revealed a series of rooms with square pillars in them.
Columbo threw a rock into the nearest room and struck something metallic. Peering inside, the Corsairs uncover a horde filled with copper coins - 3600 of them.

XI. WTF kinds of monsters are these, OR, I never thought I'd miss orcs!

At about the time Columbo was pulling a Scrooge McDuck in the copper pieces, a slithering slimy like sound could be heard as something squerched and slurped its way towards us. Suddenly each of us was struck by a pounding headache, and a cylindrical leech-like thing the size of a $%^&ing horse (!!!) squilched its way into view. Did I mention it had writhing tentacles for a face? Well, it did.
The henchmen immediately start bleeding from their noses as the leech thing started fiddling with their brains magically. Mern, never the most stable of characters, felt suddenly compelled to charge up and strike the leech, missing once and hitting once (2 attacks per round FTW, thanks haste!). Meanwhile, a henchman starts pooping on the floor.
No, I'm not making that up.
Columbo's henchmen then proceeds to attack Columbo, possibly because Columbo also starts pooping on the floor at this time.
Sigmund saves the day, however, by running up and striking the beast twice, killing it on his second blow. The mental controls having stopped, the Corsairs bashfully clean themselves up. Sigmund proceeds to find the creature's lair in the next room, which consists of a bunch of mucous covered cocoons suspended 8' up on the ceiling.
Sigmund cuts the cocoons open, resulting in a bunch of mucuous falling all over the floor, as well as 1900 sp, 1200 cp, 130 pp and a magical mace held in the hand of some skeletal remains. The mace is claimed by Etherial (actually, Sigmund begrudgingly handed it over to him after some debate).
The Corsairs wisely decide to return to Yam to get their laundry done resupply.

XII. Greed is good?

As Columbo climbs down the rope into tunnel under the murder holes, he sees a small purse that was somehow missed on our 3 trips through the tunnel. Opening it up, he spies gold pieces inside it. He decided to reach inside - and the purse decided to turn into a monster with needlelike teeth that clamp onto hands!
Not only that, the purse decides to start chewing up Columbo's arm too, dealing grevious wounds (and a hell of a lot of damage too)! Columbo decides to punch the purse, which results in him punching his own hand. Oops.
Sigmund rushes over and, using his mighty Lawdor-inspired strength, he pulled the purse off of Columbo…and the purse then proceeds to attack Sigmund! Mern, sensing an opportunity to do something, casts sleep on the purse, which works! Sigmund then stabs the damn thing and kills it. Columbo's arm turns out to be terribly chewed up by the foul creature.
The Corsairs proceed to retire back at the camp outside of Yam, filled with the nightmares inspired by the Eibon Fortress.

Total Losses/Loot

Slain: Yotl Serpenthelm, Gagner, and the hirelings Shalid, Zuluzalabar, Jong, were all killed by demon dogs.
Bricks of opium or hashish, worth 600 gp.
A total of 4800 cp, 5700 sp, and 130 pp.
A mace +2 claimed by Etherial.
This line is important for posterity: All PCs received 187 xp and about 200 gp. The retainers received very little XP, but they won't work for us again so that's ok.

Fortress Eibon Rumor Mill

Talk heard around the camel-kebab and fermented-goat's milk vendors in the itinerant camp outside of the walls of Yam.

From a mercenary equipped with plate mail and a spear:

"We found a hole in the murder floor above the western main gate entrance tunnel. The little man-child Columbo threw a rock tied to a rope through the grating of the murder floor and bravely ascended and scouted ahead by himself. We found a room full of decayed furniture and foodstores and three white devil-hounds with blazing blues eyes like that of a sabre-toothed tiger killed three of my mercenary brothers and crushed the windpipes of three of the adventurers: the old sorcerer, the dwarf-slave with the girl-like face, and Gagner the fighter. It took many many blows but we slew the demon beasts. Two of the adventurers were living but comatose after the battle, but the feminine dwarf-slave's throat had been torn out! Although the sorcerer and fighting-man recovered, Gagner was so unmanned by his battle-wound that he left their party!"

A week later from another mercenary in new plate mail with a polearm:

"We climbed a rope up into the murder floor above the western gate tunnel. We found the scene of a bloody slaughter with the scattered and gnawed remains of huge white devil-hounds and fighting-men. The delver's gathered several measures of silver from the unclean beasts feces-strewn lair. We encountered some eagle-sized moths that flew at the delver's glowing swords. The cleric was lighting a torch to burn the moths; they all flew at it, became engulfed in flames and began flying at us while dripping burning oil. The graybeard wizard, girl-child and the cleric ran away but the pygmy and loud one and my brothers but them down. We found some hashish and opium worth 600 gold coins, the loud one kept trying to attempt a deceit and keep the intoxicants for himself but we were like iron-jawed wolves my friend and did not let these itinerant tomb-robbers take our share of the bounty.

We went down a long tunnel and came upon a swarm of child-sized fleas. The old man used a sorcery to render them all asleep and they were crushed. We were flanked by a band of unclean shriveled grabbing man-things but they were cut down.

We ascended a stair and came upon a hideous slime slug-thing that attacked our heads and made some of us attack each other while others babbled and defecated like animals. The cowardly old warlock attacked it with a stick and beat it soundly before the loud one, who had been cowering using some invisibility charm, cut it down.

We found some treasure and decided to return to Yam. Reflecting upon our lucartive yet risky venture one fact was distinct in the minds of all us mercenary brothers. The loud one had tried to get us to open chests for him and set off traps in his stead. He was like an oily weasel-snake that hisses loudly and schemes to take all for himself and I would not work for his gold ever again my friend!

On our way back to the exit the little pygmy warrior found a purse of gold coins that ate part of his hand before it was sent back to the hells of greed."

[Red Box Vancouver Players Stay Out] Awesome Combination of Dungeon Randomosity

If you're going to or could be playing in one of the games I'm DMing at the Grind in Vancouver on a Wednesday night, you better not be reading this!

While working on my Dungeon for the Red Box Vancouver crew an awesome piece of random stupidity emerged.

Using the Tricks, Empty Rooms, and Basic Trap Design PDF and my random table of wacked out monsters I ended up with the combination of a room that is an ampitheatre and also contains a Man of Wounds from the swell Varlets and Vermin PDF.

"Hmm" I mutter to myself, "how can I implement this combination to maximize awesomeness?"

...obviously the Man of Wounds is wearing a toga and a laurel wreath, is stuck full of gladii, and will be muttering "E tu, Brute?" at the party...

My Attempt at Running a "Normal" Basic/Expert D&D Game...

So I volunteered to run 3 sessions for Red Box Vancouver this month, and as a change of pace from my regular DM style attempted to make a "normal" dungeon for the adventures.

First I whipped up some maps in my awesome graph paper Moleskine notebook during some lulls in a Mutant Future Game (during which Kronh the Slayer got to get down with a four-boobed mutant queen!), and roughly blocked out some areas with the awesome Tekumel underworld chart PDF (I've got to get my hands on a copy of the Pettigrew Selections ASAP!). Came up with a couple wacky things with the results, but they were well within the precedents of early TSR OD&D/AD&D output.

Next I worked on the monster lists for stocking the dungeon; somewhat unsurprisingly my attempts at normalcy went pretty much went out the window at this point and things took a pre-Wessex Rientsian turn... (I was planning on using the spiffy S&W Tome of Horrors Complete for this, but between the monsters I wanted to use and my preference for the Fiend Folio version of some monsters nope; maybe if they included Hoard Class and Morale Scores... ;) As an aside every post Fiend Folio version of the awesome Crabmen ignores two awesome things about the Fiend Folio version: A) They're nuts about silver & B) They carry off women.)

Regardless I soldiered on in my attempt to make a normal B/X D&D dungeon and stocked it using a combination of the B/X D&D dungeon stocking tables; the Appendices of the AD&D DMG; and the Awesome Tricks. Empty Rooms, & Basic Trap Design PDF by Courtney C. Campbell of the Hack & Slash blog. (I'm planning on giving the regions unexplored after tonight another go-over with the also-Awesome Old School Encounter Reference by Kellri; the Judges Guild Ready Refs' Sheets; and sundry dungeon tables by Zak S.)

I did the stocking in a two-hour period before rushing to meet the super-cool Red Box Vancouver crew at a far too crowded and loud coffee shop in a cool neighborhood (as opposed to the tumbleweed infested coffee shop we used to use...). Graham proceeded to generate a halfling hobbit with 18s in Dexterity and Constitution, and a Strength of 13-15(?) right in front of me and I swore that that sheet would end up on my DM Trophy Triumph Death Wall...

The session was pretty awesome; I failed in my quest to gut the Red Box Vancouver stable of badass PCs (for this week...) but I managed to:

A) Totally beat the living shit out of badass dwarf Gamgar with the first dungeon encounter, on the stairs leading down into the dungeon, with a very muppet-like, hunched and piteously whimpering, mother-freaking Stair Stalker! Which also totally freaked the fuck out of the players, who were also incensed and skeptical when they took the same monster's remains to a wizard to have it identified and were told that it was a monster called a Stair Stalker that rarely spontaneously generate on underworld staircases.

B) Kill one of the party's sociopathic thug retainers, Rhino Toronto of the Toronto brothers, between expeditions via random roll, when he cracked his head slipping in bloody cobblestones while bashing a farm boy's head into an alleyway curb.

C) Nailed Gamgar with a pit trap, and was a hair away from tossing him down another one a mere minute later before another player thought to check the floors.

D) Kill Merrigold Serpenthelm's two batshit-vicious rottweiler sized "war dog" pitbulls (that were always pissing everywhere and eating dungeon-dressing bones) via shambling "Blind Dead" ghouls that also spent several rounds attempting to lap up Columbo the double-18 stat hobbit's blood with their withered jerky tounges but were unable to claw through the paralyzed hobbit's plate mail. Fortunately the stupid blind dead all shambled through the magic circle hologram gate to Carcosa that the party was cowering behind.

E) Got Dino Toronto of the Toronto brothers cut in half by a dark Jedi's lighsaber when the party broke into Darth Vader's tomb.

F) Got the DM-infuriating statistically gifted hobbit Columbo's eye taken out by the same dark Jedi's lightsabre. It was awesome when Merrigold Serpenthelm tried to invisibly sneak up on the dark Jedi who was force choking a hobbit and knocking arrows out of the air, and of course the Sith dude just used the force to know where he was.

Other hijinks included:

- An inexplicably Italian accented cowardly hobbit, who had a key to the service entrance to an abandoned wizard's manor handed down to him by his great-great-great grandfather who was a cook for the aforementioned wizard.

- Dino Toronto being apprenticed to Merrigold Serpenthelm by an elderly half-deaf, senile, drunken guardsman in a powdered wig as court-appointed punishment for inflicting random ultraviolence upon farm boys instead of him being tortured by virtue of the party intervening and feeding booze and gold to the "judge".

- Merrigold being able to identify by smell a pool of dog urine in the dungeon by virtue of his batshit massive pit bulls pissing everywhere for the past week.

- The party looting Darth Vader's suit of plate mail from his sarcophagus.

- The party killing a four armed white ape and than finding magic hologram gates to Barsoon and Carcosa.

- Retainers consistantly cowering from monsters and danger.

I can't wait for next Wednesday's return to The Manor of Kalapron!

Planet Algol - Monday Oct. 4th

The characters:

Sabroz - scaly, three eyed Shereshi
Xerigil - Yellow-and-orange mottled Morheeg Man Thief
Gorlo - Black-and-white piebald Lhoyg Man Fighting-Man
Roald Bloom - Green-skinned Photosythetic Fighting-Mutant with melting eyes and leafy hair

The four companions sit at Tazahat's Tea Stand in the Xeno District of Agog City discussing how to refill their depleted purses. Xergil notices a metallic blue robe shrouded Agog man motioning at him and investigates while a loud, drunken orange-skinned, perfumed Zhaghri Man lout clad in gaudy, low-class ornamentation approaches the remaining three and regales them with tales of quick riches obtained by ambushing and killing adventurers in the depths of the Tenement Canyon.

Meanwhile the mysterious Agog Man conceals his visage within his blue cloak and makes an offer regarding the retrieval of an erotic Hepatizon idol, 'Ecstatic Writhing in Tentacles' from the Concubinatorium with the Autarch's Voluptutary, a long abandoned pleasure dome of the aforementioned world-emperor's in a forbidden sector sector with 100-foot tall walls topped by thickets of iron stakes bearing the impaled remains of trespassers. A secret entrance in the depths of the Tenement Canyon is mentioned.

Xerigil accepts the commission and makes arrangements to meet the Agog Man, 'Sapphire Vapour' at the tea stand in three hours. He returns to the party who are drinking gin-infused tea bought for them my the garrulous orange braggart and muderer, 'Hazak the Inhuman-Slayer' (the two adventurers that he brags of murdering for his wealth being a Shereshi and a Puulvi).

Hazak explains that he wishes to find companions for an expedition, as he wishes to retrace teh steps of the two adventurers that he murdered and find the source of the treasure that they bore, for surely they must be more!

The party agrees and they five of them set off, Hazak procuring lead canteens of gin to fortify them on their venture. The Zhaghri bravo leads them down through the depths of the Tenement Canyon to it's lowest, lightless reaches, where constructions ends and the rocky walls of the bottomless void plunge into darkness. He shows the party where the slain adventurers had attached a rope used to climb down and back up out of the stygian abyss below.

The vegetation-humanoid hybrid mutation Roald begins applying a garrote to the loudmouthed drunken killer and the orange skinned man is soon dead and looted before being thrown into the bottomless canyon. Against the protestations of Xergil, Garlo takes and wears the dead Hazak's distinctive, flashy mail coat of bright blue fine metal scales.

The party returns to the surface, meets with Sapphire Vapour who leads them to a different location at the lowest reaches of the tenement canyon and soon the party is crawling through a narrow ceramic pipe with a lumpy, gray chemical scum encrustation.

After a significant period of travel they emerge into an illuminated complex of metal alloy. Machinery is examined, a notice regarding a 'Critical Moisture Failure!' is read, a lever is pulled, cries are hear from behind a hatch which reveals a large pink region holding the descendants of those detained for appointments currently being flooded with feces ridden water. The hatch is soon reclosed.

Further explorations reveal a massive kitchen area with several planters containing dessicated fruit, vegetable and flesh bearing vegetation; sewage, yeasty nutrition, and strange silvery fluid flesh vats; a chamber full of robots with cut-open torsos and a technological circular-saw device.

Sabroz the Shereshi uses the saw to cut a square section in the metal allow walls and than uses a crowbar to pry out the cut section. He is rewarded by a shower of sparks and mild electrical burns, and an inches deep gap filled with severed crackling black cables in revealed.

Xergil is currently keeping watch on the illuminated corridors, having spotted three strange bronze and silvery fleshed guardians previously, and sees the lights in the hall go out and Sabroz yanks out the wall section.

The party proceeds through now dark halls and finds a chamber full of lush purple vegetation bearing ametheyst, lavender and gold blossoms in planters and trellises, and Sabroz collects a bouquet for his shirt.

Deeper in the chamber an unilluminated area full of dead, withered vegetation contains two gradening robots with cut open torsos, and a third, active gardening robot that the party bluffs. The robot solicits a cutting from Roald Bloom the plantman mutant leafy head and directions to the Concubinatory are provided.

The adventurers follow a wide, long, gently upward sloping ramp from the gardening facility and soon find themselves against the amber and violet striated wall of a massive dusty dome, in a small ramp-top area surrounded by thick, tall purple hedge.

Roald Bloom sticks his head out through the shrub-wall...

Playing D&D in Public with Strangers

Last night was the scheduled bi-weekly Planet Algol game in association with Red Box Vancouver, during the previous week a new guy showed up on the RBV forums:

"I have never played any sort of tabletop rpg but have always been curious about it. The extent of my dnd knowledge is rooted primarily in Neverwinter Nights and the sequel for PC. Is there a place around town to welcome strangers such as myself? I would also mention that I'm 29, hopefully that isn't too old to start…"

The next RBV game was the aforementioned Planet Algol game, so I invited him to come down and attempted to hook him up with an intro to the setting and a list of influences, his reply?

"...I'll read up on my Heavy Metal on sunday and fast forward through Flash Gordon to any part where Queen is singing the theme song."

Dude owns a copy of the Flash Gordon movie?!?! He sounds like a natural for this campaign!

Anyways, Monday night rolls around and I head down to the RBV hangout...a hive of scum and villainy (actually a nice coffee shop that kindly puts up with our shenanigans). I try getting there early and don't see any of the RBV regulars when I get there but soon a stranger comes up and asks if I'm Blair and the new guy and I get down to business.

We start up generating a character and he's taking to this stuff like a fish to water. He rolls 3d6 down the line and end's up with a character with a 3 intelligence! We're using the LOTFPWFRPG which states that if a character has a sum ability score modifier of less than zero than they can reroll their statistics. To his credit new guy actually almost went with the 3 intelligence character, he seemed almost enamored with the idea! The next set of ability scores included an 18 wisdom...this guy runs HOT and COLD!

At this point nobody else has showed up. One of the regular Planet Algol players from the original campaign who made it to the previous RBV PA game "had made plans"; the RBV guy who instigated my involvement had to go see some boring lawyer dude go "Blah Blah Blah"; and the other RBV guys who played at the last RBV-PA game had their characters iced, so now I was wondering if it was just going to be us two?

I momentarily considered just chatting a bit, showing him how to make a character and talking about the game; but than I slapped myself in my imagination "Pull yourself together! If JB Blackrazor can play with one guy in A FREAKING BAR I can certainly DM-up and give 110% for this stranger who's interested in playing oldschool D&D; think of the future generations Blair...do it in the memory of TARGA!"

So I proceed at RAMMING SPEED! (which really only meant that I got him to roll up what kind of funny-colored Algol Man he was and helped him buy equipment...the poor guy only rolled 50 gp for starting money...what an introduction!)

Than RBV stalwart DM & owner of a wardrobe full of Converge shirts Johnstone shows up; he's sick, with a nasty flu/cold that I just kicked, but he's here to game...he even did his awesome funny voicesrole playing, even though you could tell it was hell on his throat!

As Johnstone's character had been rendered unconscious by the guardians of the Autarch's Voluptuary during the previous adventure, and I had written up content for exactly that kind of situation, we played for a bit to resolve what happens with his captured character. Although the dude didn't get anywhere, it seemed to serve as a great demonstration of play for the New Guy (who is named Cam; I'll just call him Cam from here on).

Johnstone rolls up a new character, and makes him a three eyed, scaly, creepy Shereshi; Cam goes with a Cleric (I relented on my NO CLERICS! policy on order to give Raggi's game a good test drive; at least in LOTFPWFRPG they aren't better fighters than fighters, and there's no weird "priests of the god of swords who can't use swords" phenomenon, although those rules are probably just a legacy of attempts to keep OD&D magic swords in the hands of Fighters...) and had chosen to randomly roll his race...a fire newt/toad pigmented Shuzakh Man.

The game starts and I dangle two solicitous NPCS...one who leads to the Autarch's Voluptuary (the site of Johnstone's previous unfortunate adventure), and the other who leads to THE ASTEROID!
The party takes the bait of THE ASTEROID! adventure and off they go.

Like I said Cam was a natural, although I'm not a "ROLE-PLAY or you're PLAYING IT WRONG!" guy in the least, he immediately was thinking and acting "in character," while Johnstone is an awesome ham...shredding his poor sick throat for the sake of the show!

At this point I'm going through the poorly organized sheafs of papers, maps and booklets in my "grief-case" and I realize...I had forgotten the map I made for THE ASTEROID! adventure!

I had ran the same adventure with the original Planet Algol group the previous day, and I had the map key and notes, so I decided TO FREAKING GO FOR IT and try and replicate the map from memory while acting like nothing was wrong.

Fortunately Johnstone had a coughing fit or something, and said that he had to run home and back, which would only take 10 minutes. I live in the neighborhood as well, so I explained my predicament to Cam; dashed home; grabbed the map; got suckered into taking my dog out for a quick potty break (she hadn't pooped all day so I was worried about her dropping a bomb!), and dashed back to the coffee shop.

The party explores THE ASTEROID! and survives "splitting the party" (new guy is new and Johnstone is a man of sterling integrity playing a character with a 7 intelligence), finds the strange ruins, and eventually find some loot...some sort of fancy silvery rifle. Cam shows his steel and immediately grabs the rifle!

Like I keep stating, this guy is a natural: the NPC that instigated THE ASTEROID! adventure came along (he needed some muscle for his exploration) and soon Cam was planning on how to ice the NPC for the sake of a better loot split.

Alas, shortly afterward the party has a Random Encounter! with the randomly rolled Maximum Number! of savage degenerates. Cam's character calmly shoot one of the degenerate creeps down with his fancy new rifle; unfortunately he doesn't use his memorized Sanctuary spell before the party is mobbed by the savages and his cleric is rendered unconscious by the repeated application of human thigh bone clubs to his person.

The two survivors flee to a safe distance and see that the creeps are hunched around their prone companion, so they start plinking at them. The creeps fail a morale roll and split the scene...while dragging the unconscious cleric with them, and get away. However, the surviving PC is gratified to see the fancy new rifle lying on the ground and snatches it up before the two survivors split and attempt to make it back to civilization.

I gotta say Cam was a great sort about his fallen PC; first time playing a pen and paper rpg, first character, and he totally isn't fazed and takes it in stride. He even makes some (accurate) cannibal comments/jokes!

At this point things are looking pretty grim for my NPC...Johnstone's character has the rifle and some fancy hepatizon and ruby jewelry looted from the ruins; the NPC offered to lead the party to THE ASTEROID! in order for a share of the profits, and you can just tell he's scheming on when to ice the NPC.

Fate intercedes when the duo reach the fringes of civilization...a Random Encounter! with a three cheap thugs who look to be aiming to get that fancy hepatizon and ruby harness. This actually is kind of a blessing in disguise, as when combat ensues it allows Cam to play the NPC during the fight.

Alas, Johnstone's scaly freak is stabbed into unconsciousness and the Cam-piloted NPC (which was a hobbit sized Pulvi) is picked up and cast into a bottomless pit...although his head is dashed into paste by a collision with a ledge 100' below.

Death #2 for Cam...and again he isn't fazed; in fact again he seems amused by the circumstances of his death...as any red-blooded D&D player should be!

And Johnstone's Shereshi? He comes to with his wrists bound and wearing a slave collar in a slave pen while a slaver is paying several gold credits to two cheap thugs, one wearing a hepatizon and ruby harness and the other carrying a fancy silver rifle....

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Like Jeff Rients...

"Looking for some weird science fantasy adventure roleplaying in Vancouver, British Columbia? I currently run a Planet Algol game using Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Role Playing every other Monday with Red Box Vancouver. Or just shoot me an email at planetalgol AT gmail DOT com."

Some Cool Stuff Forthcoming; Working On Introductory Algol Adventure; & Red Box Vancouver

Holy freaking crap, Geoffrey McKinney, the genius responsible for Supplement V: CARCOSA, is working on another awesome sounding campaign setting booklet that is supposed to be "...an outre mingling of D&D and Clark Ashton Smith."

As well, Aos of The Metal Earth has stated "...eventually in an explosion of hubristic abandon, I'll release a digest sized book for The Metal Earth." Man, that book is going to have some killer illustrations!

CAN'T.FREAKING.WAIT

Now if only Gabor Lux/Melan would translate the rest of the Kard & Magica/Fomalhaut material into English. From what I could figure out via an online translator, there's a hell of a lot of very cool monsters and items in that Hungarian text!

Anyways, I've been working on writing & playtesting an introductory Planet Algol adventure, "The Autarch's Voluptuary:"  

"A remote, small, agricultural dome inhabited by virtuous plebeians; terrorized by small humanoids...but is there something sinister behind these raids? Their caves are but a short distance from the virtuous outpost..."

Fuck. No. It's something absolutely different..although it is a "dungeon." I have several goals with this thing:

• Presenting an atmosphere of "baroque decrepitude" and insight into the nature of the civilization of Algol.
• An attempt at avoiding traditional D&D adventure cliches.
• Emulating classic genre greedy fortune seekers bringing their doom down upon themselves.
• Ripping offPaying tribute to Gene Wolfe's post-historical literature.
• And Weird-Fucking-Shit.

Half of the time I'm thinking it's coming together; the other half of the time I feel like it's a sloppy, inelegant, contrived trainwreck-abortion of a mess. Which is good, hating my creation motivates me to hammer and burn the impurities and weakness out of this thing!

This past Monday I also DMed a Planet Algol session with the Red Box Vancouver crew trying out the LOTFPWFRPG rules (which are quite elegant!); I really dig this local Red Box thing! A year ago I would have sworn that there would be no way in hell that I would ever play or DM in a public place like a coffee shop; now I'm DMing in a neighborhood coffee shop, not even knowing who is going to show up, and my only concern is that the radio is on the godawful new-country station instead of the oldies channel!

As always with Red Box Vancouver I had a great time killing two PCs, and I wholeheartedly recommend others to:

• Drop in if they're in the Vancouver area
• Check out their own community's equivalent if they're not in the Vancouver area
• Or start their own local, open, Red Box group equivalent.

As I said before, if we want old-school D&D style gaming to survive, we've got to do our part to help the hobby and community grow and flourish.

Now who am I going to rope into "trying out D&D" next?

Public Algol Game & The Autarch's Voluptuary

Next Monday, September 6th, at the Waves Coffee House located at Broadway & Spruce in Vancouver/B.C., the Red Box Vancouver crew and I are getting together for a public Planet Algol game, using the Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Role Playing Game as the ruleset.

I'm pretty excited about this: I love DMing; the Red Box Vancouver crew are a great bunch that I love playing with; I get to try out the appealing LOTFPRPG system; it'll be a completely different DMing scene from the bong-littered basement of the regular Planet Algol game; and, as a change of pace, it gives me an opportunity to perhaps playtest some Planet Algol adventures & dungeons as opposed to the picaresque hexmap meanderings of the regular Planet Algol game.

I've been brainstorming up an intro adventures for this first session, and this is what I have come up with (very inspired by the pitch for Jeff Rients' Big Dumb Tekumel con game):

"Agog, the Immemorial City of the Controller, is strictly divided into sectors: The Xenon District, where outsiders and merchants mingle; The Reactor Sector, where the Technocrats of Agog labour with the cyclopean ceramic and alloy engines of the Ancients; The Aerie Sector, where Oligarchs and Aristocrats dwell in their palaces upon towers of ancient, tarnished girders; The Golden Sector,  where the Controller, Exarch of the Iridium Plateau holds court in his Golden Ziggurat; and most mysterious of them all, the Voluptuary Sector.

The Voluptuary Sector consists of a massive dome, coloured in swirls of violets and ambers, caked with dust. It is said that it contains pleasure palaces and gardens of the Autarch himself, although it is widely unknown when last the Autarch visited Agog City.

The Voluptuary Sector is an especially forbidden region of Agog City, with trespassers threatened with public impalement; regardless of legal retribution, tales of the synthetic guardians of the Voluptuary Sector deter most thieves and explorers, while the rest are said to be never seen again.

You have been contacted by one who claims to represent a rich Agogi Oligarch that is offering a significant reward of 5,000 virgin gold credits for a certain erotic hepatazon idol, "Ecstatic Trembling Within Writhing Tentacles," that resides within the Concubinatory of the Voluptuary Sector. This representative also claims to possess knowledge regarding a secret entrance to the pleasure dome and how to avoid it's guardians."

So if you're in the Vancouver area and want to drop in for a game, drop by Red Box Vancouver to Penetrate the Autarch's Volupturary...

Triumph At Red Box Vancouver!

crOm of Red Box Vancouver graciously invited me to one of their games at a coffee shop in my neighborhood last night. As I just had a band practice cancellation and a hole in my schedule I jumped at the opportunity...although every other member of the "Saucers & Sorcerers Society" were too busy/cool/lame ;) to attend...

...and I had a great time! The Red Box Vancouver guys are a real friendly/welcoming and fun bunch, and Corporal Kaffshyth ("Sending teenaged boys to their death is precisely how I became a Corporal!) was proud to aid the good people of Threshold by rescuing the children TREASURE! from the sewers. As well as uncovering a conspiracy involving corrupt, evil town guards! (I think that snooty elf is involved as well...)

However, Next time Corporal Kaffshyth is bringing the necessary equipment to harvest Yellow Mold and Rot Grubs. "What do you get when you cross a bottle full of rot grubs with a dragon? A dead dragon..."