Friday, November 18, 2011

Hello, I'm Heraphalmos...

"...I clean up after the mercenaries and eat their scraps. I made sandals out of a torn wineskin that they threw away. The first time I wore them I got drunk! But now I have these nice velvet shoes with curly toes. They were expensive, more than ten gold pieces! But now I'm rich and can afford nice things. The Corsairs gave me many coins, more than ten silver coins and more than ten electrum coins. I get to eat tonight!

I was sweeping up the dung and garbage in the mercenary bazaar when I saw them approaching. There was a pretty little girl, an old man with one eye and his arm in a sling, the loud one, a really handsome man and a little man-child who had weapons and armor and everything! But what caught my eye as I was sweeping was how the mercenaries all were grumbling and looking uncomfortable as they left the bazaar. They never all leave the bazaar, that's where they play dice and gossip and drink wine. Sometimes they forget some wine and I get to get drunk. That was before I was rich, now I can get drunk and eat real food every day!

The Corsairs approached me and asked why the mercenaries were leaving, the one that talked to me was the really handsome one, he has a nice voice! I listen to the mercenaries as they gossip so I knew that they were mad that so many had died before with the Corsairs and that they also didn't like the loud one. The little girl looked mean when she heard that and they left.

They came back later and the loud one was wearing a different helmet and cloak. He was pretending that he was someone else. I like to have fun! The handsome one, his name is Ballard, that's a nice name, he asked me to come with them to pick up treasure and carry it. They said I didn't have to fight or open things and would get some of the treasure. That's why I'm rich and now and not dead!

We up to that scary fortress and I got to climb a rope onto a big grill where I climbed down a ladder. There were dead hyena men and dead giant frogs and dead giant lizards and dead people. It smelled bad. They dead people and monsters looked like scraps. I think something had been eating them!

I also saw a door that was black fog and a trap door and a long hallway that we walked down. We found some rooms and some of them got scared, but especially the old man with one eye. We found a statue with a big rag over it. The brave little man-boy lifted off the rag with a spear and it was a wood statue of a beggar. I think the man-boy is so brave because he is crazy because he started talked to the statue. I didn't see or hear the statue talking, and nobody else did. Maybe the little man was playing a game like how the loud one was pretending to be someone else? I caught the loud one because he used his invisible magic one time so I told him. I won that game!

The little man said that the statue told him that they needed to get his remains from ten feet below the ground beneath them. They argued but the little man really wanted to win his game and he went down some stairs where there was a bunch of skinny scary looking people. They were as skinny as I was but their eyes were white and they had long stringy strands of hair. Did you know that I am bald? That's why I made a hat out of rags. But also because the sun would hurt it in summer and winter is cold.

They called them Coopers. They were hissing and grunting and one of the sorcerers used magic and put them all to sleep. The little man-child is nice. He said that we should let them live, but the loud one stayed behind. I think he might have killed them because the mercenaries say that he is not a nice man.

We found a sunny room with stairs down. The little man is brave and went down with the handsome man named Ballard. They are both nice so I went down with them. It was underground and there were lots of bones. More than ten!

The little man found a big hole. It was more than ten feet deep and there were two gargoyle statues with big axes and a big stone skull with dried blood on it. Most of them were scared and stayed upstairs.

The little man made us break all of the bones. There were more than ten and it took us a long time. I used my broom to clean up the mess. My arms are too skinny for me to break bones. Than the loud one pushed the gargoyle statues down the hole. That was nice of him, they were scary.

They tied the little man to a rope and put him down the hole. It was deep. He said he was picking up coins and started talking to a lady that I could not see. I wasn't in the hole. I'm not that brave!

The little man was pulled up the rope. He was muttering "too deep, too deep!" and looked scared. I noticed that because he never looks scared even when the others were scared. The old one is scared a lot of the time.

We heard a lady in the hole. She was asking for help and the loud one pushed the big stone skull down the hole and we went back to town.

We came back later. We went in a big court-yard. The walls were high, over ten-feet tall! There was a bridge build across the top of it. It looked like the place I grew up that was built under a bridge.

They were talking about a big diamond that one of them had heard about. It was worth over ten gold pieces and the angry little girl said that she found it with her witchcraft and pointed up at a corner of the walls. It was high-up.

The loud one is strong. He threw a grappling hook all the way up to the bridge!

The handsome man, his name is Ballard, he is brave and he climbed up the rope and tied another rope to the big stone teeth at the top of a wall. We climbed up and than the loud one pulled the old man up the rope. The old man can't climb, one of his arms doesn't work.

We were on a roof-top, we were really high up, but there were walls that were even taller! There were a bunch of doors and two little buildings. The little man looked and said there was more Coopers in one and the old one got scared.

The little man opened a door on the other building but someone was inside and asked him to close it. The little man is nice and he shut the door.

The loud one and the little one opened another door and went in. They were inside and than a big wall of magic darkness appeared and all of them were inside it except for Ballard. He was watching out for the Coopers.

The old man came out and he was extra-scared. The little man came out and he was cut up really bad and was bleeding a lot. Than the little mean girl came out.

The little man is brave. He was really hurt but he went back and looked for his friend the loud one. So did the old man, he was braver than he usually is. They didn't find him and were sad. The mean little girl got angry and started talking about magic items and we went back to town. That's when they gave me all this money and now I'm rich!


  1. The accounts of Heraphalmos and similar personalities are always enjoyable to hear. Let's hear it for the men and women (and creatures of other races) who carry our torches, guard our mules, haul our treasure and carry the corpses back tot he surface for raising or a funeral --- the lowly henchperson is under appreciated!

  2. I love how his expectations are so low! Makes me look at adventurers, with their selfish megalomania, and wonder what went wrong with them!

  3. Reads a bit like Flowers for Algernon in the dungeon.

  4. Heraphalmos! I like this guy already. :D