Monday, March 21, 2011

The Legend of Kronh The Slayer

I be KRONH THE SLAYER; as your eyes reveal I am a mighty man and hunter, tall in stature, muscular, vigourous, virile, cunning and noble-featured.

KRONH hunts the forests for his tribe; other men in the tribe hunt, but KRONH hunts alone, for such a mighty hunter is slowed by lesser companions. Women forage, tend wounds, and perform other woman-ish duties. Sometimes when the other men are hunting KRONH takes their women; KRONH has many sons, many more than the other hunters realize.

For many days it has been colder; one day a rim of hard cold water formed around the lake. KRONH cares not, he breaks the hard water with his fists and bathes in the cold water as he does every morning. Fluffy cold water falls from the skies now.

As it has been colder so has game been less plentiful and predators have started hunting the tribe. KRONH cares not, he is a cunning hunter who fills his belly regardless of how plentiful game is, let the weak and slow starve says he. And if hunting beasts hunt KRONH he welcomes the battle for KRONH is mighty.

It is said that as it had been colder the game our tribe hunts has been traveling north, into the barren hills. Other hunters have travelled to these hills, but have not returned; KRONH cares not, he is cunning and fast enough to find game in the forest.

One day the chieftain calls a meeting and informs the tribe that lots have been drawn to form a party to seek out the missing hunter. Those that have been drawn include several women, a couple of hunters and KRONH. Hohoho, KRONH laughs at the falsehoods of the chieftain, for they would not leave to chance getting KRONH to lead this band; obviously KRONH's lot was rigged.

The men are taken into the shamen's hut. KRONH is familiar with this hut, as many of the tribe are afraid of the skulls, totems and spirits in the hut, but KRONH is unafraid and knows that many of the tribes women are excited by the spookiness of this hut.

First the shaman offers us men mighty shields of some strange material of the Gods; the same Gods that men like KRONH are descended from. But the shaman is deceitful, for next he offers us bows and arrows, but we must choose between the bows or the shield. KRONH now knows not to trust the shaman and is sorely vexed, but chooses the bow, as a wise hunter always carries a ranged weapon.

Next the shaman presents KRONH with a fire-stick, the penis of a thunder god! Another hunters tries to claim the prize but KRONH receives his rightful tribute; KRON will have to watch this other deceitful hunter!

The shaman sends the other men away and teaches KRONH the secret prayers of loading, marksmanship and clearing jams of the fire-stick; the other jealous men lurk outside the hut but KRONH drives them away with cuffs and bellows.

After learning the secret prayers KRONH returns to the party to see that s strange two-headed woman had emerged from the forest and is treating with the chieftain...


  1. "...the penis of the thunder god!"

    Now THAT'S the name of an OD&D magic item!

  2. Hey, I,m pretty sure KHRON was the captain of my high school wrestling team. I'm glad to see he got that penis he always wanted.

  3. His name reminds me of the BM band Krohm :D

    EDIT: captcha: Poomorro. Coprophagist monster which is never satiated by feces.

  4. Nice! Glad you dug my post-apocalyptic cave-man adventure!

  5. @ Aos: I imagine him being a cross between an Alpha-Jock/Jerk character from Revenge of the Nerds style movies and a "Heel" Wrestler, with a but of Oglaf Conan-Barbarian, so you're pretty much spot on

  6. @ B.Portly: Very much so.

    @ Peter: I'm not sure if boldness is that wise, I'm sure Kronh is in for some karmic comeuppance down the line.