Tuesday, February 22, 2011

[non-Algol] The Boulder-Wives of the Dwarfs

Multiple theories, such as that Dwarf-Women were bearded and indistinguishable from the Dwarf-Men, or that Dwarf-Men kept the Dwarf-Women secluded in seraglios within secret Dwarf-Cities, have been advanced for the notable absence of Dwarf-Women; in actuality the answer is remarkably simple and could be considered to have been "right before our noses."

The Boulder-Wives of the Dwarf folk range from four to six feet in diameter, with a gray, stony, smooth body, featureless aside from the vague anatomical suggestion of some interior division into four lobes, with a small pore at one end, and a small tight-lipped, cross-shaped orifice at the opposite end.

Supposition holds that the Boulder-Wives are some form of mindless invertebrate, although Dwarf-Men insist that they communicate with and have a relationship with their "Mates." The Boulder-Wives have a n especially slow metabolism, respiring and absorbing moisture from the atmosphere via osmosis through microscopic organs in their tough cuticle in the fashion of many forms of vegetation; they excrete a tiny amount of crumbly, pebbly black matter from their pore, and receive nutrition and fertilization through their tetrameric orifice.

A Boulder-Wife become fertile for a short period of time once every hundred years or so; after a decade an un-fertilized Boulder-Wife excretes a fist-sized Boulder-Maid, whereas a Boulder-Wife that has been fertilized will instead excrete a tiny pebble-like egg.

The Dwarfs place these eggs in a golden tray containing a mixture of gold dust, manure and liquor, which eventually produces a Dwarf-Fingerling; a tiny, maggot-like creature with tiny hairy, bearded Dwarf-head which will live in the mixture within the tray for several years, gaining a significant amount of mass, before pupating and metamorphosing into a child-sized Dwarf-Man.

15 comments:

  1. That is just plain awesome. I knew those bearded weirdos were up to something perverted. My immediate comments:

    a. Whoops. Thought those little fellows on the tray were hors d'ouevres.

    b. Now how do the dwarves know who the baby-daddy is? Do the boulder-wives ever get frisky and cheat on their hubbies?

    c. So if you see "Gimli was here" chiseled on a rock, he means it.

    d. Baby got igneous back.

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  2. I WILL SMOEK WHAT YOU ARE SMOKING, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. that's just sick. i say go with it. i have a vision of Gimli being caught by Aragorn while doing something terribly, terribly wrong, and sputtering, "Don't tell the Elf"

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  4. A Boulder-Wife become fertile for a short period of time once every hundred years or so; after a decade an unfertilized Boulder-Wife excretes a fist-sized Boulder-Maid, whereas a Boulder-Wife that has been fertilized will instead excrete a tiny pebble-like egg.

    It seems the cunning dwarves are once again taking the long view. Slow and secret parthenogenic reproduction supplemented by the work ethic and mineral wealth of the dwarven males.

    Do these creatures even have predators? Do they have a defined lifespan? Or are the non-dwarven races slowly, unknowingly being out-bred by the undying stony matriarchs of the Stout Folk?

    I envisage immeasurably ancient worlds consumed by Dwarven rapacity. Planets composed entirely of vast accreted masses of Boulder-Wives. Strange indeed are the eco-systems of such places...

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  5. Doesn't fit my cosmos (Dwarves are probably descended from humans genetically engineered for mining on high-gravity planets), but to extrapolate the logic I have to ask:

    Are all Elves female, and do they have tree-husbands?

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  6. @Myrrystyr:

    Perhaps that would mean that the Ent-Wives sailed west. It would certainly explain why they can't be found.

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  7. wow -- man, any possible want to play a dwarf character I may have ever entertained has completely fled. :X

    Nice work, though! Picture?

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  8. haha, fantastic, nicely imagined :)

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  9. In Algol, the Dwarf-wives should be playable; they get stubby husbands as a harem of henchbeings as an ability.

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  10. I love it. I can think of a ton of inappropriate comments based on this post, which is the hallmark of a great idea.

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  11. Thanks everyone!

    Some amazing ideas, esp. planets full of Boulder Wives & Boulder Wife PCs with husband-flunkies!

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  12. "wow -- man, any possible want to play a dwarf character I may have ever entertained has completely fled. :X"

    Mission accomplished! ;P

    Now to make halflings, gnomes and elves disgusting...

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  13. Well Blair I'd say you have your work cut out for you in trying to make halflings, gnomes or elves disgusting. *dripping w/ sarcasm

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  14. Now to make halflings, gnomes and elves disgusting...

    Halflings are already the cheeto-gamer stereotype: Eats way too much, is never without weed, only goes outside their comfort zone if kidnapped, and the image is completed by ample body hair in bizarre places.

    Gnomes are those old people that steal your bottles of beer when you're drinking in the park for the refund before you're even done drinking it. Gnomes just have annoying songs to go along with it.

    Elves are just anorexic.

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