Ha-Ha!

Butts, Dongs and Gazoombas in RPG Art Wishlist

Recently there have a been a few online discussions & kerfuffles about what kind of artwork is appropriate in rpgs, with subjects such as gore, nudity, and the like being issues.

Now, with everyone being different, people have different standards regarding what kind of artwork is appropriate in a rpg product. Unfortunately, I'm not World Dictator yet, so nobody is being forced to play rpgs or read these books; but it seems reasonable that there is room for both "G-rated" products, and "Adult" ones as well. By adult, I'm not talking about SLAUGHTER PORN!, but works that assume that the reader is an adult.

With that all taken care of, as a guy with an appreciation for loutish, lowbrow humour, here are some illustrations I would LOVE to see in an "Adult" RPG product:

- Someone pooping in the forest, with a bare butt, and a snake or giant centipede biting them in said butt. Of course this poor sap would have a shocked/horrified expression.

- A dude running and swordfighting, butt-naked, with his dong swinging about Corben-style. I'm imagining a Cassanova/Lieber story gone wrong...the protagonist is running and fighting his way across a manor roof through an army of angry brothers with a terrified "Oh my god! I'm in it now! I'm fighting naked on a rooftop!" look on his face.

- Some cavewomen or lady headhunters with those dangling National Geographic boobs...and some disappointed looking explorers.

- A pervy looking magic-user using invisibility to spy on a bathing lady.

- Something like the Wolf Witch sequence from Conan the Barbarian or a Succubus visitation, but going absolutely horrible for the poor guy...he's scratched all to hell, trying to scramble out of the pile of sleeping furs, meanwhile the supernatural hoochie mama is cackling with lightning shooting out of her ears.

- Many folks have complained that they'd like to see more women in rpg products depicted as something other than Pamela Andersen in a chainmail bikini. I agree with these folks. I'd also like to see some women in rpgs products depicted with Big Butts...and I don't mean the hourglass figures that 95% of rpg illo women have. I mean the Big Butts that many real life women have. Not that I'm a crazed, gigantic ass fetishist or anything.

- An adventurer, dripping with riches, back from an expedition, in a tavern, trying to put the moves on the buxom tavern wenches...who are laughing at him ...he's humiliated ...they're pointing and laughing, tears running down their faces ...everyone's laughing at him.

Of course, I imagine all of these illustration in Poag-vision. Sweet, sweet, lurid, grotesque Poag-vision.

High Level Fighter Option - Superhero

"For extra silliness whenever a Superhero comes up on the chart, model the character on someone like Batman or Spider-man. "Welcome to stately Wayne Castle. I am Sir Bruce." - Jeff's Gameblog

Ordinarily (According to a mash-up of AD&D & B/XD&D), when a Fighter character reaches the ninth level, they acquire the level title "Lord" or "Lady," and are somehow entitled to build a castle; kick the monstrous squatters out of the region; attract a private army of loyal goons who patrol this area; and become a Baron or Baroness with their own private Barony that they collect tax revenue from.

Optionally, Lawful (or Good) aligned Fighter PCs who attains the 8th level of experience may choose to forgo the aforementioned benefits (title; attracting men-at-arms; building a castle; controlling land and collecting taxes) and instead become a Superhero.

A Superhero gains the ability to use the combination of a Distinctive Costume and a Dramatic Pseudonym to serve as a Super-Heroic Persona, with the benefit of successfully concealing their true identity while so disguised.

Superheroes may also choose to benefit from the following abilities:

- They may build a Secret Headquarters, in a hidden wilderness, rural, or urban location. This has the same costs are ordinary excavations and construction, but will be performed in secret with attracting attention, especially from the authorities. Under ordinary circumstances this Secret Headquarters will not be found.

- They may choose to attract a Sidekick, an utterly loyal, Lawful (or Good) aligned follower (d%: 01-40 4th level; 41-95 5th level; 96-00 6th level). This sidekick will utilize a costume and pseudonym to the same effect as the Superhero character.

Superheroes who become evil become Supervillain (reversed Superheroes).

Random Intelligent, Aligned Magic Items

As I mentioned previously, I've been musing about aligned, intelligent magic items. Now this is more of a thought experiment that anything I'm planning on using in any of my regular games, but would be awesome for a Rientsian/Arduin/Encounter Critical gonzo one-shot!

And the more I think about intelligent, aligned magic potions the more I like the idea!

Anyways, here's two such items I randomly generated using the magic item & intelligent sword procedures from the Expert & Advanced Dungeons & Dragons rules...

Basic/Expert Item:

Potion of Speed
Intelligence: 12
Powers: Read Magic, Detect Magic(1/round), Detect Metal(1/round), Detect Sloping Passages (1/round), Levitation (3/day)
Method of Communication: Speech
Languages: Lawful + 2 more
Alignment: Lawful

Advanced Item

A Potion of Extra-Healing was the first roll; although I dig intelligent potions, I'm going to re-roll until something else comes up. 3 more potions and a scroll come up before I hit:

Chain Mail +3
Intelligence: 12
Abilities: Detect precious metal, kind and amount, in 20' radius.
Communication: semi-empathy
Alignment: Neutral good

There's a lot of potential for humor here...intelligent armor that can detect gold and silver, but is good aligned and would not cotton with robbery, burglary and the like. It's too bad it can't talk, "Sorry Darth Conan, I refuse to detect precious metal an account of your unscrupulous behavior!"

I also dig the super-powered Potion of Speed...that's some serious booster-juice!

Monday Mutant Future "Artwork"

While looking through one of my tattered RPG-notebooks I found this depiction of a moment from my old Gamma World/Where The Wild Things Are crossover game. That guy's companions are really after him to start wearing pants...

Encounter Critical/Mutant Future/D&D "Artwork"

These are some doodles I did over a year ago during the wait for a D&D session to start. I was also thinking about post-apoc & science fantasy, the line of thinking that eventually led to Planet Algol. Wes/Fat Cotton stole my Psychic Bear! I dig how happy missile dog looks, I think he'd be a good sidekick.

Doctor Scale Mail always packs heat and wears his armor vest and rubber boots while working in his lab just in case. Dual-wielding a shotgun and spiked bat does no good against Viper Plaskin slitting your throat. Too bad rat-man didn't smell his cigarette before the attack.

Robotcop PUNCHING THE FUCK OUT of a Martian Tripod?

The text says "Gargantuan Shrimp" in my pathetic scrawl. That saucer-clam looks smug!

Pete: "The guy on roller-skates (actually rocket-skates) looks like a dad!"

There's more than one way to fry a chicken...

One of my (former?)players was not happy when attacked by sand-sharks, "This is stupid!"


Oh no...not the baby!

He looks determined..but inept.

I would not fuck with these two without good reason!

During my 4E Weird Western D&D game, I made a point of describing Dwarves as looking like muppets and walking like Alf...

That's one happy looking giant snake! During the first AD&D Planet Algol game I used this picture to illustrate the fate of a PC...save vs. poison is a real mother at 1st level...

EDIT: The below video fits the theme and is awesome, dig those elbow nail-spikes!

A Correction, Fat Cotton Fantasy Artiste and a Memorial Tribute

Yesterday I wrote a post about a "Stupid" moment in my game. I should have used the term "Absurd," as in "Coen Brothers-esque Sublime Absurdity." I certainly don't want any of my players operating under the misapprehension that I consider them or our game stupid in any derogatory sense. Often I use the term Stupid to refer to RPG matters in the Jeff Rients-ien fashion:

Stupid games do not take themselves seriously. PCs can die horrible deaths and other grim stuff, but that horrible death might involve being eaten by a horde of zombie chickens. Big dice charts, such as wandering monsters or random mutations, are often associated with this style of game. Most comedy games fall into this category, as do all the good versions of Gamma World. The new editions of Paranoia and WFRP look pretty Stupid to me as well.

Some of my favorite rpg moments have to be when events devolve into beautiful absurdity, and I would never want to discourage players from attempting crazy plans. I heartily approve of improvised sound effects! (and now we know why a cape is worth being on the equipment buying lists!)

As well, I would be remiss to not mention that talented surreal Planet Algol-related illustrator Wesley Fat Cotton now has his own blog to display his artwork.. Although it is slim on the content, it is also new, and hopefully some of you folks in need of an artist for your creative madness will find his style suitable for your project, especially as I know that he is eager to work with some of you crazy internet rpg types!

Also...

CHGOWIZ/OLDGUYRPG BLOG
03/22/2010 - NEVAR FORGET!

The drama is over (Drama Explanation Here!), folks are actually communicating instead of flaming each other, but The Old Guy RPG Blog is Gone! I'm not going to speculate or comment on why Chgowiz withdrew from the community, but I really dug his blog (the solo games with his wife always gave me the warm fuzzies "What A Great Loving Couple!") and I'm sad to see it go. I am also sad that The Tomb of Hulkasarag/The Land of Two Rivers ancient Mesopotamia oldschool D&D project is apparently dead as a result...it would have been a perfect companion to Ancient Kingdoms: Mesopotamia. There would have been no "Black Ziggurat Madness" without Chgowiz either!

Good luck and best wishes to Chgowiz...you will be missed.

One Of The Stupider Moments of Yesterday's Game

The Party bickers a while before settling on raiding a nearby tower with the intent of slaying it's masters and taking ownership of the fortification.

The party had previously raided the tower, slew the guardian beast, trashed the living quarters, and stole 7,000 gp and five bottles of expensive Earth Whiskey. By now the tower masters had hired some guards from their nearby allies

While the party observes the tower at dawn they see a group of soldiers from the nearby allies of the tower-masters visiting the tower at dawn to perform a changeover of the garrison of hired guards.

During the night they invisibly snuck up close to the tower and sent the thief to scout it out.

I make a roll on my Random NPC Trait table, to determine the "personality" of one of the guards, and come up with the result of "Does not travel during the night due to fear of Nightgaunts."

Improvising with these factors I tell the thief that he hears someone saying "I wish they didn't make us travel to the tower before sunrise, we could get taken by Nightgaunts"

Another Voice: "Don't be ridiculous, that's never going to happen. Do you know anyone who has seen Nightgaunts?"

"We don't know anyone who has seen a Nightgaunt because they come for you in the dark, and besides once you see them it's already too late!"

"You're a fucking idiot, do you know that! Shut up and listen for intruders."

The thief returns to the party and they discuss how they could manipulate the guard's fear of Nightgaunts to their advantage.

At this point my mind starts racing as I imagine the players coming up with some madcap scheme involving improvised nightgaunt costumes, illusions, sound effects, tickling and I get really excited and maybe even pee myself a bit.

The entire party attempts to invisibly sneak up on the tower.

One of the guards: "We can hear your armor intruders! Go away, there's lots of us and we're well armed!"

One of the players to me "I take out my waterskin and shake it..."

Me: "...you shake your waterskin?"

The player "It's the only thing I have that I could flap to make the sound of a Nightgaunt's wings. I wish I had a cape..."

Me: "Your waterskin..slooshes."

The Guard to another guard: "I hear them drinking water!" to the party "Yeah, well we've got water too! Fresh, purified water that's way better than your water!"