Friday, November 25, 2011

It's Heramphalmos

Have you seen my wife? I married her a week ago. She's very pretty. She was so pretty that men would give her money to sleep with her! I gave her all my money before I went adventuring with my new friends so if I died she would be rich. I didn't die and I swept up enough treasure that I'm still rich even though I can't find my wife or my fortune. I gave her over ten gold pieces!

We went back into that spooky castle. They said the mean witch girl had used magic to find gold! There was a cleric who had a tattoo of a goat on his face. He looked like someone from under the bridge where I grew up.

There was also a mercenary. He didn't want to go but I heard that he needed a lot of money because he isn't very good at gambling.

We were attacked by big flies! One tried to bite me and I hit it with my broom and than Columbo cut it in half! He's a good friend of mine and is very short and brave.

He opened a door and a ghost attacked him and he killed it with a broken sword! There was a lot of all kinds of money!

We went in a big courtyard and the giant metal doors were open!

We found a bunch of skeletons in a pile of junk. There was an owl that was hooting in a room with a broken rotten bed. Mern, he's very old, was brave! He talked to the owl in owl talk and found some potions. He dropped one on the floor for the owl to lick up and Mern got down like a dog and licked up the potion as well. He said it didn't taste good. There was a lot of garbage on the floor.

Ballard found a sword in the garbage! It was short but very fancy. Ballard gave it to Columbo when he found another shiny sword with a longer blade. That was after the jelly things full of eyeballs and teeth came and chewed one the little mean girl before Mern put them to sleep with magic. We squished them than, it felt funny when the eyeballs squished under my feet!

We found a bunch of treasure and than Columbo found a big floating ball with a big eye and he tried to get away and the witch girl shot the eye monster and Columbo with a bolt of witch lightning. It blew up the monster but Columbo was all burned up!

We went back than and I couldn't find my wife! Mern used magic to read the writing on the swords Ballard found. I need to learn that spell because I can't read either.

The magic sword that Ballard gave to Columbo is famous! I remember hearing about it in fairy tales! It has a name, Steel-Curtain, and Mern said it was a plus-five-defender! Five is half of ten, so that's a pretty big number!

We went back to the castle, but the little witch girl stayed behind and a loud cleric came with us.

I stayed with Ballard because he is nice while others went into a big room full of horse bones. Mern, the old man with a crippled arm, was looking for a secret door and a big tall horse skeleton punched him and he fell down.

They started fighting the horse skeleton and it punched the mercenary in the head. It flew apart in pieces! The loud cleric was dragging Mern away from the fighting and the horse skeleton punched one of his arms off! He fell down like Mern but Mern was puking blood. It also looked like Mern was peeing blood and pooping blood. The cleric just had blood coming out from where his arm used to be.

My friend Columbo killed the horse skeleton and we found some silver! We went back to town and I told the dead mercenary's friends what happened to him. They were not happy!

I couldn't find my wife and we went back to the castle after Mern and the loud cleric recovered. They had to take Mern to the soldier temple because blood wouldn't stop coming out of his bum!

We climbed the rope to the murder floor again! We had to pull up Mern and the loud cleric because neither of them have two working arms! It was hard because the loud one disappeared in the magic dark on the roof and he is really strong!

At the soldier shrine Mern asked the priest to fix his arm and was told to go deep underground and get the bones of a saint from the lair of a monster called a Valpyr with snake people and headless dogs and fire drakes! Mern said he would do it later, that's very brave of him! The priest said the bones were ten levels below the castle. That's deep because ten is the biggest number!

We went through a long tunnel and down stairs to where we found a lot of bones. A skeleton attacked and more attacked and skulls were laughing and talking and we broke them all. We found a secret door and than some little pale rat man things.

The cleric with the goat face tattoo on his face started talking to the little rat men in the evil language and they used magic to make his head explode! We killed them but one of them ate the loud cleric's neck and he died and Mern got a wand that shoots magic missiles. That's what they used to kill the cleric with a goat face on his face!

We also found money! That's why I'm still rich even though I can't find my wife. I have a house now! It's called a lean-to. It had a hooka that my wife used to smoke opium but that's gone now as well. I still have my mat that I sleep on. I made it out of rags and leaves. It's colder now that I can't find my wife.


  1. These posts are fun to read. I'm enjoying them.

  2. I also have enjoyed the story told from the other side. My problem is that I am just as in the dark as the henchmen on some of the creatures.....but then ten is a big number to me as well sometimes.

  3. Damn that is one awesome horse skeleton. I would go so far as to say that is the best horse skeleton I have ever heard of.